Yo-Yo Prankster

I love a good prank. And this my fine ladies and gents is a doozy! This dude convinced 5 news stations that he is a Yo-Yo master and to allow him to come on their show live to showcase his mad "yo-yo skills". They done got hornswoggled, trolled, slipped a mickey, hoodwinked and flim flammed. Watch as he bamboozles several anchors:





The jig should have been up when he started to "over share".

"I've been divorced twice...don't have a girlfriend...don't want one". I lolled heartily when he got on the phone with his dad and said "I love you". This just illustrates two points very clearly:

1) We all know those problem-proned over sharers. You know the ones. They tell you about their chronic case of irritable bowel syndrome and their lengthy custody battle within the first few minutes of meeting. These anchors just slipped into the mode we all slip in when we deal with folks like this. Just nod and smile politely yet awkwardly.

2) News stations obviously don't check sources. This gives me a really good idea to request to be on their show and showcase my psychic abilities. Do I have psychic abilities? No. But I can certainly tell a few yarns. I can throw a few "this year will be a good year for you in love" or "I'm getting a J....does that ring a bell...J?".

People believe what they want to believe and in this case they really wanted to believe that he was a sick yo-yo-ist that was doing it for the kids and charity and butterflies. Someone should have hopped on Google the minute he turned his 8 yo-yo's into a sick roflcoptor. With Google we are all investigatory journalists...or ugh...stalkers. Hats off to Yo-Yo guy!

Frisky Pastor

Somebody was hitting the sacramental wine a little too vigorously...

Swedish mourners seek damages over 'drunk' pastor

A Swedish family is seeking damages of nearly 30,000 euros (£27,500) after a Protestant pastor performed a funeral service in an apparently drunk state, the Church of Sweden said on Friday.The pastor also raised eyebrows for apparently flirtatious behaviour towards the dead man's family members. He kissed the hand of the deceased's daughter and gave an exaggerated hug to the 20-year-old granddaughter, the family said in a letter to the former state church.

"Everything seemed to go perfectly well until this pastor came in mumbling for 30 minutes," the family said in the letter, complaining that he had alcohol on his breath. "Nobody, among his servers or in the audience, understood what he was saying."

"The first thing we will now remember thinking about our loved one is the drunk pastor," they added.

Apart from the 300,000 kronor (£27,500) the family also asked for a refund of the funeral expenses.

The Church of Sweden, which ceased to be a state church in 2000, confirmed to AFP that it had received the complaint, saying the issue was being investigated.

Source

See, this would be funny in another situation. But a funeral can put the breaks on the humor of a drunk pastor pretty fast. Poor granddaughter that got the "exaggerated" hug. Ewww, many a lady have experienced this ambitious and overzealous hug from a pervy, elderly gentleman. It's not pleasant. You are left wondering "Did that just happen?". We need one of these for this very situation ladies. They'll think twice before they get frisky again!

What do I gotta do?

Do I gotta get water from the moon? Nasa recently announced that astronauts have confirmed the discovery of water on the moon. Pretty cool news if you ask me. There is one person, however, for whom this news does not bode well. Somewhere deep in the heart of a Las Vegas condo, Celine Dion is on her knees screaming "Noooooooo, I curse thee Nasa!". With this recent news, Celine's early 90's hit Water from the Moon is now defunct. Sorry Celine, next time you might wanna change it to Dark Matter from Andromeda.

So, essentially, before this discovery, water on the moon was the equivalent of When Pigs Fly. So, I can therefore look forward to the day when pigs can be found perched on trees and fire escapes. No more bacon for anyone. :(

- Lolski

Even leaders get crotchety

Imagine a cranky old guy. Now imagine being forced to listen to his cranky fussing inside the General Assembly at the UN. I don't know much about Libya, much less about their leader Moammar Gadhafi. One thing I do know is a curmudgeon when I see one.

Gadhafi recently gave a rambling speech to the UN. At one point he complained about the jet lag from having to travel so far to the meeting and apparently had jotted his hour and a half speech on crumpled pieces of paper. By the end of the speech half the audience had walked out. I wonder if other world leaders rolled their eyes when his back was turned. I bet they passed notes to each other saying "Bored, too long! Wanna bounce in 5?"

Don't get me wrong, I have a fondness for old, grumpy men. I'm seriously looking forward to being an angry, old bird. I'll tell all the children on my block to mind their manners. They better stay outta mah tomaters!

-Lolski

Technology is spooky

So I was in a cab going to my parents place from the airport and I got into a real neato conversation with the cab driver. She was awesome and we chatted it up for a while. We got to talking about quantum theory, which then lead to theories of consciousness. Yes, strange conversation in a cab but if you are going to talk about quantum theory, it better be in a cab. She told me about a new technology in Japan that has allowed researchers to actually project images from the brain onto a computer screen using an fMRI machine.

I told her I would Google it, and Google it I did! Holy shit show, she was right! It came out in December of last year. If you missed it here's the story. The applications of this technology are cool. You could potentially record dreams. I'm not so sure I'd want to record all of my dreams. Especially the one's where I'm in a public place and I'm all of a sudden naked or not wearing pants. I wonder what those mean? Or that one I had about Richard Gere that one time. Umm, nevermind about that one. Eww Richard Gere. Can you say Richard Gere without thinking of a hamster? I can't.

Mystery of the Bees Solved

Scientists have recently found some clues to explain the disappearance of honey bees in the U.S. We didn't need fancy sciencing to tell us why they left. We've had the answer in our midst all along. Here is the true cause of their mass disappearance:



If you don't know who these dingbats are, consider yourself lucky. The bees finally decided enough is enough. Heidi Montag's recent "performance" on Miss Universe sealed the deal. Her dance moves created ultrasonic vibrations, signalling the bees to haul ass while there was still time. If they were smart they'd take up residency in Fiji or somewhere extremely remote where they will never be subjected to them again.

- Lolski

The Appendix that Cried Wolf...

So according to a recent news story, this poor dude got his appendix removed twice in the same month:

Mark Wattson, from Swindon, Wilts, had two appendectomies in a month after doctors failed to remove the appendix at the first attempt.

He claims that he lost his job because his employers did not believe that he needed to have the operation twice.

Mr Wattson, 35, had his first appendectomy on Tuesday, July 7, after being told that his appendix was the cause of abdominal pain he had suffered for several months.

He said that doctors informed him that the procedure had gone well. He was discharged the next day.

Yet a month later, Mr Wattson was taken to hospital after collapsing in Swindon town centre.

He was told by doctors at Great Western Hospital – where his original operation had taken place – that his appendix had burst and that he needed an emergency appendectomy.

He was readmitted for surgery and released following the second – successful – operation on August 9.

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing," Mr Wattson said. "I told these people I had my appendix out just four weeks earlier but there it was on the screen for all to see.

"I thought: 'What the hell did they slice me open for in the first place'?"

Source

What did they remove the first time you ask Mark? Excellent question. Somewhere a doctor is smacking his head and saying "Oooh...you said appendix. Right. See, I thought you said spleen. Spleen rhymes with mean and the patient was being mean to me before surgery. Oh dang...my memory trick didn't work at all. Shit, I always mess up on Fridays. Boy is my face red."

- Lolski

Go on ladies...drink up!

So according to recent British health reports, ladies that get down with the booze have stronger bones then those that refrain from all moonshine. Well this is a license for alcoholism as far as I'm concerned. All I needed was the go ahead from any health establishment and I would take leave to drink myself into a stupor on the daily.

Yeah, yeah they said "light to moderate drinking" in the article. But if my degree in Anecdotal Layman's Medicine taught me anything, it is much better to take what you like from health reports and ignore the stuff you don't like. For example, some studies in the past have said that drinking red wine decreases your risk for heart disease. So what do I take from that? Red wine = Decreases risk for heart disease. Medicine can also decrease one's risk of heart disease. Therefore Red Wine = Medicine. Having more medicine is usually better then having less...which then means that having lots of red wine is better then having only a little. And there you have it. Perfect anecdotal layman's medicine at its finest. Sheesh...what do we need doctors for anyways?


WARNING: Anecdotal Layman's Medicine has been known to be slightly wrong at times... meh, just take what you like from this warning and discard the rest.

- Lolski

Most important video you'll ever see...

So those familiar with astrophysics and the like are familiar with the Hubble telescope. I like, no...love, the Hubble telescope. It's big and shiny and takes purty pictures for my computer desktop...oh and it also delves into the most important questions of humankind. So you may know that it once took pictures for days of one pinprick segment of the cosmos and it was called the Deep Field. This pic blew everyone's brain stem, including mine. Every dot of light in the pic is a whole galaxy. When I think about how big space is I get a really weird feeling in my lower spine/tailbone area. Same feeling I get when I'm up real high. Great Scott I'm afraid of heights...anyways that's besides the point.


Well this video talks about another Deep Field shot by Hubble and it's in 3D. Check it out. It will make you feel so small you'll never feel fat in that bikini again! The Hubble diet plan...I need to patent this idea...

- Lolski

The Cucumber Capers

This recent news item is a real whodunnit. I'm going to assume they have small backyards or live in apartments.

Adelaide cops baffled by cucumber thefts - August 12, 2009

A spate of cucumber thefts has Adelaide police in a pickle.

More than $10,000 worth of cucumbers have been stolen in 11 separate robberies in the past three months.

Thieves have targeted market gardens north of Adelaide, with police saying the latest robbery - of 50 bags of cucumbers - was reported from a glasshouse at Virginia at the weekend.

"The issue with the cucumber is how do you and I tell who owns a different cucumber?," SA Police Chief Inspector Kym Zander told ABC Radio on Wednesday.

"We're having difficulty establishing where they (the cucumbers) are going."

Source

It's the perfect crime...virtually traceless. If the thieves were really smart, they'd get into the upper echelons of vegetable marauding. We're talkin' avocados, organic cauliflower and grunions. Grunions are the rarest type of onions in the world. They are a hybrid of the yellow Spanish onion and the Argentinian Granadilla. They are sought after for their pungent flavors and aromatic skins. Okay all of that about the grunion was made up. I just like saying that word...grunion. In truth, not jest, the most expensive vegetable is said to be the asparagus because we only use the stems. That's one to grow on ;)

- Lolski

A heckler that just won't give

This is pretty hilarious. Here's a video where a man running for mayor is repeatedly heckled when he's trying to speak to a news crew. Why they didn't take it to a new street sooner, I don't know? If I were the dude running for mayor I would have gone up to the other dude's porch and had a "booooo" battle. That sure would have shown that city what's what. A mayor with gumption, that's all the heckler wanted anyways. Why is it that when I hear the word "boooooo" I always think of that dirty old woman heckler in The Princess Bride. You know who I'm talking about. The 80's run deep in me.

- Lolski

Humans killed their hairy cousins

So according to recent nerd reports, scientists are now saying that human beings may have killed off the Neanderthals. Pffft...doesn't surprise me. We've been notorious for not liking things different from us. Just look at how we've treated poor Carrot Top.

Let this be a lesson to mankind. Different is good not scary (all sarcasm aside for a wee second).

Update: While I was looking for a pic for this post I came across an eerily appropriate news item. Mystery solved? I think so.

- Lolski

Get on TV at all costs

These two chicks scared a children's choir and a reporter that just got back from vacation. Bad drunk girls! Bad, bad drunk girls! Thanks for the lolz ladies.

-Lolski

I've dreamed of doing this...

This dude just did what I've always dreamed of doing during a meeting or job interview. Lmaoface.

- Lolski

Attention ladies over 30...CNN wants you to know this

So I was perusing CNN's site and saw this headline Women over 30 have newer birth control options. Just turning 30 this year, I though 'meh, why not check this out'. So I'm reading over these so called "newer" options and I couldn't find any.

They list variations of birth control pills. Umm, okay not new. I still have to inject myself with hormones like cattle.

They list the IUD. Oh yay....that barbaric thing that's been around since the early 1900's. Sweet, can't wait to have a doctor shove that in the old uterus and leave it sit for 10 years.

Then they mention condoms. Weren't those suckers made out of sheep intestine in medieval times? Not new, sorry.

They mention Implanon, a little plastic stick implanted under the skin that shoots hormones daily. It's a variation of the Pill....not new, next.

Then they mention sterilization. Again, not new. Didn't Canada do forced sterilization in the dirty thirties?

And our last resort method of birth control. Plan B. This is just a suped up dose of the birth control pill. Yawn. Next.

How about some new ideas guys? Preferably something that doesn't involve sticking foreign objects in our bodies or increasing our risk of strokes and blood clots. Thanks.


-Lolski

Gun Laws Shmun Laws

Dontcha just wish you could you could get a spanking new oozie to match your sexy lil' Chrysler? Lord knows I have dreamed of such a prospect. Alas, this is a dream no longer. One up and coming progressive gumshoe has beat us all to the punch.

BUTLER, Mo. -- Those purchasing a vehicle at Max Motors in Missouri will receive an AK-47 assault rifle with their purchase during the month of August. This is the second consecutive year the dealership has given away vouchers for a firearm as part of a sales promotion. The logo at Mark Muller's dealership is a nod to his feelings about guns - with an old west caricature pointing two pistols at those who pass by. He said it's a nod to what he calls "big city" ways. "We really are different than the big city dealers," Muller said.

Indeed. Pesky big city dealers are so dang cranky about silly concepts like "death" or "homicide". Bullets are just pretend boogermen that we dumb dumb adults make up to scare children and the elderly. Hee Haaaw...bring on the make-believe carnage. Monica Lolinsky.

-Lolski

It's my foooood.....

This guy knows where it's at. I've had a mind to do this for ages. I have visions of being kicked and dragged with spagetti all over my face and breaded shrimp falling out of my pockets.

OGDEN -- Weber State University police booked a man into jail on investigation of felony robbery after an apparently disastrous trip through the buffet line.
Campus officials said it happened Thursday at the Shepherd Union Building, where a buffet had been set up for competitors in an archery tournament. Police said Maurice Henry Glen Crichlow, 20, was spotted going through the line and confronted by a food services employee.
"He did not appear to be a member of the competition," WSU spokesman John Kowalewski said Friday. "This individual (the food services worker) approached the young man-this is the second time he'd been seen in the line that day-and informed him that if he wanted the food he needed to pay for the food."
Kowalewski said the man became belligerent, pushed the one worker and was immediately confronted by another food service worker.
"At that point this individual shoved, or pushed the second staff member and said, 'If you've got a problem with me, call police,'" Kowalewski said.
They did. Crichlow was ultimately arrested and booked into the Weber County Jail on investigation of second-degree felony robbery, disorderly conduct and interfering with an arrest.

-Lolski