WELCOME TO ROFLOPAGOS ISLAND: HUMOR CAPITAL OF THE INTERNETZ
THE LATEST IN FUNNY VIRAL VIDEOS, CURRENT EVENTS, SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY AND WEIRD NEWS
RUMMAGING THE INTERNET SINCE '69 (OKAY, MAYBE NOT THAT LONG)
Hello ladies, gents, unicorns, dryads, and all humanoid lifeforms of the Internets. Roflopagos Island is a place of whimsy and folly. It is a humor blog documenting the ridiculous, funny and odd things of our glorious Internets. Why rummage the Internet when I can do it for you?
What can you expect while you are here? It will be random, it will be unique, and if anything it might give you a hot, swift burst of humor to enhance your everyday life. Enjoy…
Oh boy, this one is gonna make you think twice before you make fun of cat people again. One could say this is a CATastrophy. Eww, I made my own skin crawl. I'm gonna leave the puns to your best friend's middle-aged father and creepy, great-uncles.
I like my puns literal anyway. Like a jump to conclusions mat:
These cats are ruthless sentinels. There was no need for the nanny cams when Felix and Whiskers were on shift. Don't mess with a tuxedo cat. They may seem fancy but they are notoriously merciless. I wonder if she knew she was being nanny-cammed and kept her reactions at a minimum. I know plenty of folks that would assume log roll position and kick feebly at the cat.
These two cat goons need to go on patrol on my street at 3:00AM when all the drunk drifters start hootin' and hollerin'. Better yet, I'll bring them to bars and the minute a gross guy tries to touch my bum I sick Whiskers on him. They'll get beat so hard they'll need a CAT scan. Ugh, I need to stop hanging out with 50+ year old men. Puns are CATagious. Oh God please make it stop.
Every once in a while I go coo coo crazy and spend hours on Youtube looking at cat videos. I have my favorites...ooh Nelly do I have my favorites. Last night was one of those nights. But wasn't it a Friday night you might ask? And then I would genteelly retort "Shut-up, you're dumb. I'm getting old and like me some couch time. I ain't no spring chicken. Going out once every third fortnight is enough for this old Bessie". Okay, I jest. I'm only 30 but I really can't stand bars any more. 'Cause then I have to dust off my dancin' shoes and shave my legs and we all know how much effort that takes.
Back to the kitties. Here's some of my favorites...
Speaking of kitties, my poor cat has developed something called Feline Psychogenic Alopecia, which means when translated "My cat has kitty OCD". She's over-grooming her bum, legs and stomach. It all started when my senior citizen family dog moved in with us. Now her bum and legs look like they were shaved. She's walking around with a homemade Brazilian wax everyday. If my cat was an outdoor cat, she'd be the hussy of the neighbourhood. All the tomcats would be going crazy over her and whispering amongst each other:
"Hey man, I hear the carpet doesn't match the drapes!"
"Dude I heard there IS no carpet!"
She's usually a really fluffy, puffy, long-haired kitty, but with a still fluffy torso and sparse legs and bum, she looked like she's wearing an over sized trench coat or a handsome and generous fur-lined Mu mu. Poor kitty. Now that she knows that her enemy at the gates is nothing more then a tired, old lady, doggie who is uninterested in her feline charms, it's now growing back a little.
See, I told you the guys go crazy for the generous, fur-trimmed manteau. What a trollop!
I thought we only had to be worried about creepy men in trench coats? However, this video illustrates that perverts lurk across species and phylum. This opportunistic canine made a poor, hapless victim out of this passed out gentleman. He saw it, and he went for it. That'll learn him real good to leave his sexy parts vulnerable for the world to see. He's a tease if you ask me and was probably asking for it. I know Fido would agree.
Sometimes you don't even need an unconscious victim and can just use what's available...like air for instance...
Either way, they are getting theirs. Perhaps we can make trench coats for dogs to make these offenders easier to identify? If you can think it, it's out there. Oh great Internet...will you ever disappoint?
Even rare parrots need to get theirs. I love his style of courtship. I bet he gets all the rainforest ass! I'm a sucker for the wing-face-slap myself. What, with his Victorian Gentleman's face and all...what middle-aged male photographer could resist? I'm quite partial to the Victorian mutton chop handlebar mustache. If you happen to look like Colonel Mustard in the study with the candlestick, I'm putty in your arms.
I was born in the wrong century. I should have been born in the late 1800's in England...I could have been a stuffy aristocratic Dame that say's a whole lot of "Harrumphs!" and "I never!". I would have rolled my R's like nobody's business and would have stared judgmentally at passersby behind a giant, shiny monocle.
Spidergoat, Spidergoat...friendly rural cliff Spidergoat! Check out this crazy-ass goat climbing up sheer vertical cliffs with ease and pizazz! I can't even shimmy up a footstool without feeling all wobbly and unsafe. A goat-human hybrid would be pretty cool...kind of like this guy. Humans really got unlucky in the defying gravity department. We can't fly or stick to walls without the aid of some serious technology.
But guess where we really lucked out? Yep, you guessed it...our personal greeting rituals. Imagine having to smell your bosses butt and no no zones every morning? In order to recognize whether a person is a friend or foe you would have to march into their washroom and stick your head in their toilet. Now don't you feel lucky? I sure do.
In what situation or era has it ever been okay to run up behind a horse and clap loudly? Has this ever been advised? No. Has this ever been encouraged? No. It's like I always say, you can't lead a horse to water when he's too busy owning an idiot behind him. It's bad enough that the horse has to deal with those confusing trumpets in the background. If I was stuck in that maddening, horn instrument festival I'd cartwheel through the crowd, kicking wildly. I might even throw in a log roll or two. All in the name of a quick escape.
Wild animals and defenseless humans mix like...well...oil and water, egg salad sandwiches and cafeteria popularity in grade nine, men and capris (some might argue these two go hand and hand but I say "fie on thee" to my detractors), mullets and scissors...and...you get the gist.
There's something especially sad about a bear playing a trumpet. I don't know what it is. Not that I'm not thoroughly entertained by it. Shouldn't they be eating berries and killin' salmon? Not doing somersaults for gawking idiots. This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where "Gentle Ben" the bear Talk Show host starts tearing up the crowd in the studio and the guy goes up to Ben and says "No, Ben. No." Baahahah that line kills me every time.
It's only a matter of time before this bear tears through a crowd. People will ask "Geesh, you know, I don't know what came over him?". How about, umm, he's a wild animal and should be, oh I don't know...not in a crowded stadium. But their funny hats are so dang cute so we might see more performin' bears yet.
Okay this one is a bit disturbing, a bit funny, and a bit horror invoking. I found myself laughing, then feeling bad, then laughing, then feeling sorry for the poor camel, then for the poor lady, then finally laughing again. It's an all round awful situation. The camel sounds extremely upset. In fact, he sounds terrified.
Oh Internet, will you ever stop making me horrified and entertained at the same time? I think not. You wouldn't be the Internet if you did. You'll keep on exposing society's embarrassments for a millenia to come. By then you will be the Interbrain. We will no longer need computers, we will just upload to our brains. Technology is fun!
Adding a British accent to anything makes it seem both sophisticated and funny. I wish I had a British accent inner monologue. My thoughts would be so entertaining. I don't know if I'd prefer a man British voice or a lady. They are equally appealing I guess. As long as it said "quite" and "dodgy" a lot, I'd be happy. The only British voice I find annoying is dang Keira Knightley. Wait maybe it's not her voice and just her face. If she pouts one more time in a movie and gives that dumb, looking off in the distance, trying to be sultry look one more time, I'm gonna lose my shit. No joke, Keira. Enough. You make every movie you are in unenjoyable to watch simply because of this pout. Don't get me started on those Pirates of the Carribean movies.
Here is a series of videos from a British TV series "Walk on the Wild Side". I was rofling so hard I think I might have peed a little during the Allan/Steve one. I bet my cat would sound a lot like Emma Watson, the one that plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, if she were British.
Another fail video is in order. These guys over at FailBlog sure know to keep human failure fun and upbeat. These two ladies obliterated these dog's chances of getting adopted. What if these doggies had a Daddy Warbucks coming their way? Now they'll never find parents. They'll be singing "Tomorrow...Tomorrow" forever in some dingy little shelter cage. I bet they'll be too sad to do a choreographed dance. Thanks a lot ladies, couldn't fake it even a little on camera?
These poor little monkeys have taken a liking to the sauce. Who can blame them really? I love a good cocktail.
They're quick little buggers too! Let them try to take my cocktail away and they'll see they've met their match. I keep one eyeball on my booze at all times. I'm not gonna lie...these little guys remind me of people I know. I'm not naming any names hehe.
These turtles put us to shame! They know how to have fun and they're not afraid to show it. Male turtles are especially vocal. The chicks seems to keep it cool. If you didn't catch the other turtle video here it is.
I came across these strange little creatures the other day. And you thought your ass was big?! These honeypot ants will give you a run for your money. They store giant vats of sweet nectar in their bums for their friends and family. Don't you wish you could have that talent?
If you're out with your friends and someone grumbles about their empty stomach, you could just turn around, bend over and offer them a plentiful bounty of snacks and refreshments. I'd want a whole bum full of cherry Kool-Aid. I'd be such a hit at sporting events and beaches.
Who will win? So this is part two in the saga of my parents neurotic dog. Here is Dude (Yes his name is Dude)in an epic battle against the forces of evil. Well maybe not evil. More like a $50 remote controlled velociraptor from Target. Legend has it that salads are also malevolent entities and must be stopped.
Awww poor kitty! Bath time is sad time. I almost rofled my pants when I saw this. The music and lighting paired with the silent meows of a very morose but clean kitty cat makes this haunting docu-drama a must see (I sure gave Roeper a run for his money with that review!). This makes for a very Oscar-worthy viral cat video. Don't worry, despite the many shades of melancholic gloom, there is a happy and dry ending for this pitiful puss...
So this is my parents neurotic dog. He has many odd phobias and is afraid of seemingly innocuous objects. This video depicts one of his many irrational fears...
This song will be sure to move quickly up the charts. I suspect it will win a Grammy in the near future. I could listen to it on repeat for hours. Little known fact: all songwriter's have cat shadow-writers. Virtually all music today is actually originally created by domesticated animals. All of Soulja Boy's music is composed by his shorthair tabby named "Supasoaka".
This kid is incredible. Never mind Bear Grylls, that dude that stares into the camera and eats bugs. This kid can survive a month alone in the desert. This kid can stop a bullet with her bare hands. She is a reincarnation of Chuck Norris...wait he's not dead, nor will he ever die. He probably just provided his mutant DNA to her mother in hopes of passing on his legacy of awesome...
These ants are pretty slick. They create a lifeboat out of their own bodies to save their queen. Think of the human equivalent. All of London, England creating a human raft to carry a 1000 lb. Queen Elizabeth and all of the Royal Family across the Atlantic Ocean. I'd feel bad for the jerks in the middle.
Well folks...I have to leave Roflopagos Island for a week or so but I'll be back with some sick lolz for ya. In the meantime, Shocka's gonna hold it down. Sooo...err...don't do anything I wouldn't do, keep your chin up and other hot cliches. And eat your fava beans. That's all I can give ya on such short notice. Until then, please enjoy this series of photos:
This series wouldn't be complete without a couple of LOLcats and the true king of cats: Keyboard Cat.
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