The Resurrection of the ROFLs

Ummm...hi. I'm a shitty blogger person. I make blogs die. Well here's a Christmas miracle, I'm thinking of making this thing rise from the dead. My 2 readers will be really happy I bet.

I realized that I need to post or I let that little weird part of my brain run rampant and I start whispering to myself in 7-Eleven lineups whilst softly caressing my Perrier. Okay I lied, it wasn't Perrier. It was Sunny D. Look at me trying to act all fancy with Perrier, putting on airs. Anyways, all moms that serve the D after soccer practice are cool, admit it. Okay, you're just mad 'cause your mom served the "purple stuff" and you got bullied because of it.

There's been way too much funny shit happening on the internet lately to let it sit idly by. Just found this video, it actually forced me to do a post. She will rock you and Lord knows I've been thoroughly "rocked". She creates a story and whatever she's selling, I'm buying. Her version illustrates a tableau of rock and rebellion. She takes you down a long, mystical road and dazzles you with emotion. Go ahead and try to find a better personification of Queen, go ahead, try.



ROFLs out.

Million Dollar Dumb Dumb

What do you get when you mix lifting weights and male vanity? Million Dollar Baby Part 2: The Douche Chronicles. Except this one doesn't have Hillary Swank's puzzling androgynous french braid and slow-motion stool foreshadowing. Yikes, someone needs to get this guy some protein shakes STAT! And everyone knows that when you're pumping some sweet iron, it's standard to move right in front of a mirror and give yourself a sick flex. Did he lift with his back? I swear he lifted with his back. And no spotter to boot. That'll teach him to work outside of the buddy system.

Nickledink Antidote

Those that know me know that I absolutely want to punch Chad Kroeger in the face. I hear his deep, guttural whine and I seriously lose my shit. Like geez, the guy has had a bowl cut through the better half of this decade. If his songs were actual physical entities, they'd have been challenged to a duel a long time ago. And my weapon of choice would be a the longest didgeridoo known to man. And we'd go back to back as is customary in duels, they'd begin to start walking, and I'd turn around and cheat before it was time and didgeridoo them right in the genitals. Yes, I said it.

Fun fact...someone once took the time to draw this.




I think their worst song is that dumb reminiscing about high school one. You know the one with the fantastical line "What the hell was on Joey's head?". Oh that's right. It was called Photograph. Deep guys. Song's about looking back in the past. Oooh, let's call it photograph. Oh and let's make sure we rhyme that with laugh. Chad, you better stop cooking up those whimsical lines or you're liable to put Jay-Z out of business.

So with all this Dinkleback hatred I have, of course I would enjoy this genius mash-up. It's like a Chad Kroeger palate cleanser. Niiiice. Can't embed it here and you'll see why...so to see it click Chad's goofy face below.

Jolly Saint Dork

Just awful...just plain old awful. Okay, parents. Here's the deal. Talk to your kids about the dangers of worldwide embarrassment on Youtube. If you don't then you are the worst parent in the world. Okay maybe not the worst, but close to it. If you are still a bumbling old person on computers and get mixed up all the time and call Youtube "Youface" or Facebook "Facespace", kindly get your younger, hipper, tech savvy family friend or niece/nephew to explain to them what happens to nerdy kids that upload videos. They get beat downs. You have all heard of the legend of Star Wars Kid.

Here's some other notables:

Tina

Pruane2forever

Nicole337

What happened to them can be avoided. But since you all seem to insist upon leaving that big scary place called the "Internet" to all the tweens and 20-30 somethings your children are creating videos such as these:



Yes, yes I know it's much easier to leave little Jimmy or Judy occupied in their basement bedroom lair with their computer and plead ignorance then to actually hop on the Information Highway, or "World Wide Web" as it is known in scientific circles, and try and figure out what your dorky, lovable, yet socially awkward teen is up to. But dang nabbit parents...do you want them to be at the mercy of the online Internet commenter gangs that troll the Internet? Okay there are no gangs, but there could be...just ask Oprah.

Where do I find this stuff?

Okay folks...I've been a real lazy jerk of late. Letting a little thing called "life" get in the way of making rofls and taking names. To make it up to you, I've found a real doozy. It will leave you feeling dirty and agitated to the very core and fibre of your being. It's like watching a perpetual Madonna Yoga pose. Okay, no worse. Hey fellas, want some anti-boner material? It's just what you need to get rid of that pesky, embarrassing erection at the most inopportune time. And ladies...here's what you can aspire to be in your silver fox years.

Shock value at it's very best from Captain Internet. The good Captain never disappoints. Who is Captain Internet you ask? He's just the name I would give to the Internet if he were a person. He'd be really hyper and of course totally creepy. And he'd be constantly shoving erection pills and penis pumps in your face. I bet he would have one of those long curly mustaches too. He would also of course wear heavy, denim dungarees with red suspenders and a stained wife beater. Not sure why, just take my word for it. He just keeps getting stronger and stronger everyday. Will our need for the grotesque ever be satisfied? Probably not.

How to get your assed kicked

Ever wonder how you can stop a bully? Try falling on the ground and feebly kicking the air with your foot. This video will illustrate sure-fire ways to keep the bullies coming back for more. I love all of their far-fetched examples too. If you happen to have a magazine handy, why not just take the 5 seconds you need to roll it up and try and use it as a weapon? I'm sure the bully will wait his turn while you roll it. Holding your hand out and making a stop sign is also guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of your predators. Who ignores stop signs? No one that's who.

Was there a rule in 1992 that all children should have waterfall bangs? Even the guys had them. It must be a leftover from the 80's. I had them, you had them, we all had them. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. The higher and crunchier the better. Combine it with a bowl cut and you got yourself a glass of sass.

-Lolski

Eww...just Eww

Those eating a tuna sammuch or some type of snack need to finish up before you watch this video. This girl is...how do you say? Gross. Why not just give 'er in public? Why not just go for the gold? But don't forget to give it a good sniff before you get to the cashier. You never know when you'll get an opportunity like this again.

She's no better then this little dude. But at least he has the excuse of being non-homosapien. Ugh...sick. So men...beware when you see a hot chick. You have NO idea what she was doing in the minutes before you held her hand. Big brother always watches...there's a camera on every corner. Why haven't people figured that out yet?

-Lolski

The fates have spoken

This might be a giant clue that you need to give up your singing career. Think of the parameters that had to be just right for this parachute to meet face. The altitude, latitude and longitude of the plane, the strategic or not so strategic landing, the angle and height of the cliff face and the wind direction. This is a direct message from the laws of physics to kindly be quiet. Simon Cowell has nothing on physics.

-Lolski

Stranger Danger!

Okay...umm....I don't remember seeing this one as a kid. But if I did, I would never speak to an adult again. Even now, as an adult myself, I would be a recluse. Oh no, then I would be the creepy stranger! This video has the potential to create a vicious, creepy adult cycle.

Where did they get these people? They are all incredibly creepy, even the women. These actors are good...almost too good. Did the director walk down a dark alley one night and hire anyone he met along the way? I see a whole lot of life imitating art going on.

Check out the "video director" stranger. Children need to avoid any man that has that hairstyle. That's not opinion, that's science. It's also best that children avoid women with bowl cuts that talk with their eyes closed. Also, don't fall into the "hero trap" kids...although professional photographers that look like "Woogie" from Something about Mary may appear heroic, it's just a ruse. I also didn't know that pizza delivery guys were considered "authority" to kids. I hope the child actor that was paired with the creepy dog killer is okay and not on too much Xanax as an adult.

- Lolski

Boostalk' s gonna Rawk You

This is the direct result of Youtube. Youtube creates dreams. Youtube shatters dreams. Unfortunately in this example, it's the latter. Internet commenters have an uncanny ability to take a person down a notch. Either that or increase self-deception. Boostalk can either take their "This is ghey" or "Worst song ever" and think to himself "Maybe this is my last attempt at rapping?" or he can say "Whateva, these hatas don't understand how good I am". Just like those people that cry into the camera after a failed audition on American Idol. "Simon's an asshole! I'll show him. They'll be sorry when I'm rich and famous!". First thing's first Boostalk, you might not want to put "Boo" in your stage name. Just a thought. Boos do talk...they talk loud and clear.

There's a major thing missing in all of these folks: self-insight. How about a realistic inventory of one's strengths and talents? This is where friends and family come in. Unfortunately, when it comes to the Arts...most people don't want to tell someone they suck ass. Well Youtube picks up where friends and family fail. It's a tough and cruel reality check. The Internet is the ultimate lie detector.

-Lolski

Moron gets Pwned

In what situation or era has it ever been okay to run up behind a horse and clap loudly? Has this ever been advised? No. Has this ever been encouraged? No. It's like I always say, you can't lead a horse to water when he's too busy owning an idiot behind him. It's bad enough that the horse has to deal with those confusing trumpets in the background. If I was stuck in that maddening, horn instrument festival I'd cartwheel through the crowd, kicking wildly. I might even throw in a log roll or two. All in the name of a quick escape.

-Lolski

It's the Earthquake Buttshake folks!

This is pure genius. Think...the creepiness of PitBull matched with annoyance of Lil'John. Any man that can wear cut-off jean shorts for the sake of rofls is A-Okay in my books. There's a certain part of the song that will have you LOLing without your consent. You'll know what I'm talking about...there isn't a stitch of enunciation in those lines. I dare you to try and guess what he's saying...

Also duly noted: Lightening bolt design mutton chops and a club scene that's really set in someones living room. The makeshift strobelight by flicking on and off the light and the thermostat on the wall gives it away.

Great job fellas...you might not be number 1 on the charts, but you are number 1 in my heart.

- Lolski

Major disaster waiting to happen

Wild animals and defenseless humans mix like...well...oil and water, egg salad sandwiches and cafeteria popularity in grade nine, men and capris (some might argue these two go hand and hand but I say "fie on thee" to my detractors), mullets and scissors...and...you get the gist.

There's something especially sad about a bear playing a trumpet. I don't know what it is. Not that I'm not thoroughly entertained by it. Shouldn't they be eating berries and killin' salmon? Not doing somersaults for gawking idiots. This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where "Gentle Ben" the bear Talk Show host starts tearing up the crowd in the studio and the guy goes up to Ben and says "No, Ben. No." Baahahah that line kills me every time.

It's only a matter of time before this bear tears through a crowd. People will ask "Geesh, you know, I don't know what came over him?". How about, umm, he's a wild animal and should be, oh I don't know...not in a crowded stadium. But their funny hats are so dang cute so we might see more performin' bears yet.

-Lolski

Douchebag wants to FIGHT

Everyone loves to poke fun at douchebags. We've all seen them. Heck you may even be one. This muscle toting macho man is bringing "Nick" the fight of his life via webcam. Beautiful added touches to note:

-Shirtless guy in the background with shades on

-50 cent snippet playing during the video to create ambiance and context

-Patron mothafucka!

If you have never seen this classic douchebag parody then you must



If you are unsure of what a douchebag is or whether you could classify yourself as one, here are some fine specimens:





-Lolski

Yikes...is all I can say

Okay this one is a bit disturbing, a bit funny, and a bit horror invoking. I found myself laughing, then feeling bad, then laughing, then feeling sorry for the poor camel, then for the poor lady, then finally laughing again. It's an all round awful situation. The camel sounds extremely upset. In fact, he sounds terrified.

Oh Internet, will you ever stop making me horrified and entertained at the same time? I think not. You wouldn't be the Internet if you did. You'll keep on exposing society's embarrassments for a millenia to come. By then you will be the Interbrain. We will no longer need computers, we will just upload to our brains. Technology is fun!

-Lolski