Yo-Yo Prankster

I love a good prank. And this my fine ladies and gents is a doozy! This dude convinced 5 news stations that he is a Yo-Yo master and to allow him to come on their show live to showcase his mad "yo-yo skills". They done got hornswoggled, trolled, slipped a mickey, hoodwinked and flim flammed. Watch as he bamboozles several anchors:





The jig should have been up when he started to "over share".

"I've been divorced twice...don't have a girlfriend...don't want one". I lolled heartily when he got on the phone with his dad and said "I love you". This just illustrates two points very clearly:

1) We all know those problem-proned over sharers. You know the ones. They tell you about their chronic case of irritable bowel syndrome and their lengthy custody battle within the first few minutes of meeting. These anchors just slipped into the mode we all slip in when we deal with folks like this. Just nod and smile politely yet awkwardly.

2) News stations obviously don't check sources. This gives me a really good idea to request to be on their show and showcase my psychic abilities. Do I have psychic abilities? No. But I can certainly tell a few yarns. I can throw a few "this year will be a good year for you in love" or "I'm getting a J....does that ring a bell...J?".

People believe what they want to believe and in this case they really wanted to believe that he was a sick yo-yo-ist that was doing it for the kids and charity and butterflies. Someone should have hopped on Google the minute he turned his 8 yo-yo's into a sick roflcoptor. With Google we are all investigatory journalists...or ugh...stalkers. Hats off to Yo-Yo guy!

WoW Freakout

So this dude is another victim of World of Warcraft. Or as scientists have coined it "WoW". Watch as a beautiful freakout unfolds as he comes to realize that he can't log in to enjoy his sweet, succulent past-time. This dude needs to lay off the Zesty Doritos and Mountain Dew and get out and enjoy the beautiful world. Pffft...who am I kidding? I haven't left my house in 8 days. And my right pointer finger and wrist are arthritic and carpal tunnelesque from all the sweet surfing I partake in on the daily. The Internet owns me and it knows it.

Seriously though, wasn't there some dude that died from too many hours playing some type of computer RPG? True story. Scary stuff kids. I think everyone needs to go outside and toil in the sun for a bit. C'mon folks, plant an onion patch. Or better yet do something really pointless like sweeping the sidewalk. It's fun and your neighbours will love you. There's an old dude on my street that sweeps the sidewalk all the time. I have a theory that he does it to get away from his Harpie wife. Either that or he's a secret agent. Your guess is as good as mine.

Super Vagina!!!

Ever wondered how you can make your vagina stronger than Steven Seagal's left judo chop? I sure have and this lady has the answer. Uh huh...I know. Seems impossible but with the help of a crystal ball, a fish hook and some twine, your vagina can attain world domination in weeks.

Her powerful technique can turn the saddest, tiredest lady part into a gun-toting, mullet-having mercenary. Picture Nick Cage in Con Air and that will be your vagina. Sounds tempting doesn't it? I thought so.

Enjoy, and remember this technique is patented and requires a tapered, metallic jumpsuit.

Babysitter gets Owned

Oh boy, this one is gonna make you think twice before you make fun of cat people again. One could say this is a CATastrophy. Eww, I made my own skin crawl. I'm gonna leave the puns to your best friend's middle-aged father and creepy, great-uncles.

I like my puns literal anyway. Like a jump to conclusions mat:



These cats are ruthless sentinels. There was no need for the nanny cams when Felix and Whiskers were on shift. Don't mess with a tuxedo cat. They may seem fancy but they are notoriously merciless. I wonder if she knew she was being nanny-cammed and kept her reactions at a minimum. I know plenty of folks that would assume log roll position and kick feebly at the cat.

These two cat goons need to go on patrol on my street at 3:00AM when all the drunk drifters start hootin' and hollerin'. Better yet, I'll bring them to bars and the minute a gross guy tries to touch my bum I sick Whiskers on him. They'll get beat so hard they'll need a CAT scan. Ugh, I need to stop hanging out with 50+ year old men. Puns are CATagious. Oh God please make it stop.

The Resurrection of the ROFLs

Ummm...hi. I'm a shitty blogger person. I make blogs die. Well here's a Christmas miracle, I'm thinking of making this thing rise from the dead. My 2 readers will be really happy I bet.

I realized that I need to post or I let that little weird part of my brain run rampant and I start whispering to myself in 7-Eleven lineups whilst softly caressing my Perrier. Okay I lied, it wasn't Perrier. It was Sunny D. Look at me trying to act all fancy with Perrier, putting on airs. Anyways, all moms that serve the D after soccer practice are cool, admit it. Okay, you're just mad 'cause your mom served the "purple stuff" and you got bullied because of it.

There's been way too much funny shit happening on the internet lately to let it sit idly by. Just found this video, it actually forced me to do a post. She will rock you and Lord knows I've been thoroughly "rocked". She creates a story and whatever she's selling, I'm buying. Her version illustrates a tableau of rock and rebellion. She takes you down a long, mystical road and dazzles you with emotion. Go ahead and try to find a better personification of Queen, go ahead, try.



ROFLs out.

Cat Lady Crazy

Every once in a while I go coo coo crazy and spend hours on Youtube looking at cat videos. I have my favorites...ooh Nelly do I have my favorites. Last night was one of those nights. But wasn't it a Friday night you might ask? And then I would genteelly retort "Shut-up, you're dumb. I'm getting old and like me some couch time. I ain't no spring chicken. Going out once every third fortnight is enough for this old Bessie". Okay, I jest. I'm only 30 but I really can't stand bars any more. 'Cause then I have to dust off my dancin' shoes and shave my legs and we all know how much effort that takes.

Back to the kitties. Here's some of my favorites...









Speaking of kitties, my poor cat has developed something called Feline Psychogenic Alopecia, which means when translated "My cat has kitty OCD". She's over-grooming her bum, legs and stomach. It all started when my senior citizen family dog moved in with us. Now her bum and legs look like they were shaved. She's walking around with a homemade Brazilian wax everyday. If my cat was an outdoor cat, she'd be the hussy of the neighbourhood. All the tomcats would be going crazy over her and whispering amongst each other:

"Hey man, I hear the carpet doesn't match the drapes!"

"Dude I heard there IS no carpet!"

She's usually a really fluffy, puffy, long-haired kitty, but with a still fluffy torso and sparse legs and bum, she looked like she's wearing an over sized trench coat or a handsome and generous fur-lined Mu mu. Poor kitty. Now that she knows that her enemy at the gates is nothing more then a tired, old lady, doggie who is uninterested in her feline charms, it's now growing back a little.



See, I told you the guys go crazy for the generous, fur-trimmed manteau. What a trollop!

Million Dollar Dumb Dumb

What do you get when you mix lifting weights and male vanity? Million Dollar Baby Part 2: The Douche Chronicles. Except this one doesn't have Hillary Swank's puzzling androgynous french braid and slow-motion stool foreshadowing. Yikes, someone needs to get this guy some protein shakes STAT! And everyone knows that when you're pumping some sweet iron, it's standard to move right in front of a mirror and give yourself a sick flex. Did he lift with his back? I swear he lifted with his back. And no spotter to boot. That'll teach him to work outside of the buddy system.

Nickledink Antidote

Those that know me know that I absolutely want to punch Chad Kroeger in the face. I hear his deep, guttural whine and I seriously lose my shit. Like geez, the guy has had a bowl cut through the better half of this decade. If his songs were actual physical entities, they'd have been challenged to a duel a long time ago. And my weapon of choice would be a the longest didgeridoo known to man. And we'd go back to back as is customary in duels, they'd begin to start walking, and I'd turn around and cheat before it was time and didgeridoo them right in the genitals. Yes, I said it.

Fun fact...someone once took the time to draw this.




I think their worst song is that dumb reminiscing about high school one. You know the one with the fantastical line "What the hell was on Joey's head?". Oh that's right. It was called Photograph. Deep guys. Song's about looking back in the past. Oooh, let's call it photograph. Oh and let's make sure we rhyme that with laugh. Chad, you better stop cooking up those whimsical lines or you're liable to put Jay-Z out of business.

So with all this Dinkleback hatred I have, of course I would enjoy this genius mash-up. It's like a Chad Kroeger palate cleanser. Niiiice. Can't embed it here and you'll see why...so to see it click Chad's goofy face below.

Bring the Annoyance

Hey guys....guys...hey....hey...HEY! Okay you will only get this after you watch these little gems. I got introduced to the Annoying Orange this grand holiday season. There are only 4 episodes so far but they have softened my wintry, resolute, doldrums. Hee hee doldrums. I like that word. For some reason, it always reminds me of the Alice in Wonderland Disney cartoon when Alice is all sad and wants to go home but the dog with the broom for a head and a tail ruins everything. He dang swept poor Alice' path clear away! What a selfish prick! I kid, I loved the Broom-Headed Dog. He was just doing his job...Geez.


And now for the the Annoying Orange. With his creepy grin and irritating laugh, one might pray for his premature demise. I don't. I love him. Orange ya glad noone ever eats him? Ugh. God-awful. Enjoy him...love him...hate him.









In other annoying orange news....