WELCOME TO ROFLOPAGOS ISLAND: HUMOR CAPITAL OF THE INTERNETZ


THE LATEST IN FUNNY VIRAL VIDEOS, CURRENT EVENTS, SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY AND WEIRD NEWS



RUMMAGING THE INTERNET SINCE '69 (OKAY, MAYBE NOT THAT LONG)

Hello ladies, gents, unicorns, dryads, and all humanoid lifeforms of the Internets. Roflopagos Island is a place of whimsy and folly. It is a humor blog documenting the ridiculous, funny and odd things of our glorious Internets. Why rummage the Internet when I can do it for you?

What can you expect while you are here? It will be random, it will be unique, and if anything it might give you a hot, swift burst of humor to enhance your everyday life. Enjoy…


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jolly Saint Dork

Just awful...just plain old awful. Okay, parents. Here's the deal. Talk to your kids about the dangers of worldwide embarrassment on Youtube. If you don't then you are the worst parent in the world. Okay maybe not the worst, but close to it. If you are still a bumbling old person on computers and get mixed up all the time and call Youtube "Youface" or Facebook "Facespace", kindly get your younger, hipper, tech savvy family friend or niece/nephew to explain to them what happens to nerdy kids that upload videos. They get beat downs. You have all heard of the legend of Star Wars Kid.

Here's some other notables:

Tina

Pruane2forever

Nicole337

What happened to them can be avoided. But since you all seem to insist upon leaving that big scary place called the "Internet" to all the tweens and 20-30 somethings your children are creating videos such as these:



Yes, yes I know it's much easier to leave little Jimmy or Judy occupied in their basement bedroom lair with their computer and plead ignorance then to actually hop on the Information Highway, or "World Wide Web" as it is known in scientific circles, and try and figure out what your dorky, lovable, yet socially awkward teen is up to. But dang nabbit parents...do you want them to be at the mercy of the online Internet commenter gangs that troll the Internet? Okay there are no gangs, but there could be...just ask Oprah.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Where do I find this stuff?

Okay folks...I've been a real lazy jerk of late. Letting a little thing called "life" get in the way of making rofls and taking names. To make it up to you, I've found a real doozy. It will leave you feeling dirty and agitated to the very core and fibre of your being. It's like watching a perpetual Madonna Yoga pose. Okay, no worse. Hey fellas, want some anti-boner material? It's just what you need to get rid of that pesky, embarrassing erection at the most inopportune time. And ladies...here's what you can aspire to be in your silver fox years.

Shock value at it's very best from Captain Internet. The good Captain never disappoints. Who is Captain Internet you ask? He's just the name I would give to the Internet if he were a person. He'd be really hyper and of course totally creepy. And he'd be constantly shoving erection pills and penis pumps in your face. I bet he would have one of those long curly mustaches too. He would also of course wear heavy, denim dungarees with red suspenders and a stained wife beater. Not sure why, just take my word for it. He just keeps getting stronger and stronger everyday. Will our need for the grotesque ever be satisfied? Probably not.



Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hadron Blues

So...WTF. I'm an avid fan of science. I science all the time. I'm even sciencing right now. WTF is up with the good for nothin' Hadron collider? I've been waiting patiently for years to find out if the dang Higgs Boson even exists?! What are these nerds doing? I've got a mind to write a very opinionated and passively aggressive letter to CERN. They need to get their asses in gear and stop lollygagging around in the Swiss Alps. They've probably been skiing this whole time. Who the frick is in charge? I bet my senior citizen doggie could do a better job.

While I'm over here waiting for them to get this show on the road, they've been sipping hot cocoa and eating chocolate fondue, just laughing at us. It's an evil mad scientist laugh too I bet. They say it will be up and running by the end of this month. But I've heard that line before. I have a feeling they're leading us on, just to dump us in a month or so. What a bunch of jerk quantum physicists. In the meantime, here's some videos to whet your quantum appetites:





Monday, November 16, 2009

Amateur pole dancers never prosper

Well this is downright embarrassing for everyone involved. But mostly for the drunk girl that ruined everything. You were in a world of your own drunk lady. You were under the impression that your spastic twirls and awkward sashays were indescribably sexy. I know what you were thinking... "The boys are gonna love this finishing move...okay...here goes". And...down comes the roof.

Drunk lady, you will forever be known in this group of friends as the idiot that crushes dreams and ruins lives. Ladies reading this need to keep this factoid close to your heart: drunk dancing is neither attractive or alluring. I understand that the music is loud and the lights in the bars create the illusion of romance and adventure, but the sexy faces you are making while grinding your friend instead make you look like you are on the verge of vomiting down the front of your white halter top. Oh and plus, you're probably sweaty and your make-up's running by that point. Sultry dance is best left for moments when you're not 6 martinis deep.

And boys, don't encourage us to get on the riser, speaker or table when we are in this state. Bad thing's happen. Cases in point #1 and #2. Are you going to comfort us when we've been tagged in a Facebook photo that shows us "getting low" at unflattering angles? I think not. So quit it. We may have vaginas and boobies but not all of them are moneymakers.



Monday, November 9, 2009

Pervert Doggie

I thought we only had to be worried about creepy men in trench coats? However, this video illustrates that perverts lurk across species and phylum. This opportunistic canine made a poor, hapless victim out of this passed out gentleman. He saw it, and he went for it. That'll learn him real good to leave his sexy parts vulnerable for the world to see. He's a tease if you ask me and was probably asking for it. I know Fido would agree.




Sometimes you don't even need an unconscious victim and can just use what's available...like air for instance...



Either way, they are getting theirs. Perhaps we can make trench coats for dogs to make these offenders easier to identify? If you can think it, it's out there. Oh great Internet...will you ever disappoint?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Don't test Mother Nature

She's a cruel calculating bitch. She's Queen of the Harpies. If you mock her, she will show you what's what before you can say Jack Spratt's Hat. Dancing in the rain is best left for hippies and musical numbers anyways. If you must do it, perhaps you could stay away from metal. If that is not at all possible, then put on a shirt at the very least.

Love how the girl filming was like "Okay everyone in the house now". Yes it is now time to shut this whole filming in a lightning storm operation down. Perhaps she could have told him to seek shelter under a large tree or a telephone pole? This is the type of flawless decision-making and risk-management strategies that create Darwin awards.

-Lolski



Thursday, October 22, 2009

How to get your assed kicked

Ever wonder how you can stop a bully? Try falling on the ground and feebly kicking the air with your foot. This video will illustrate sure-fire ways to keep the bullies coming back for more. I love all of their far-fetched examples too. If you happen to have a magazine handy, why not just take the 5 seconds you need to roll it up and try and use it as a weapon? I'm sure the bully will wait his turn while you roll it. Holding your hand out and making a stop sign is also guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of your predators. Who ignores stop signs? No one that's who.

Was there a rule in 1992 that all children should have waterfall bangs? Even the guys had them. It must be a leftover from the 80's. I had them, you had them, we all had them. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. The higher and crunchier the better. Combine it with a bowl cut and you got yourself a glass of sass.

-Lolski



Avril's Creepy Uncle

Well I haven't posted in a week and thought it was high time that I jumped on old Roflopagos and give you guys something to show your family and friends. This video is especially appropriate for grandmothers and young children. Okay...I was just lying right there. The following video is not appropriate for the aged or the tots. It's probably also not something you want to be caught watching when your boss walks by either.

This dapper gent has decided to share his feelings and thoughts through song and dance. What his thoughts are, one can only guess. I'm going to place my bets on serial killin' and peepin' Toming. Curiously enough, many of his accessories are directly out of Avril Lavigne's wardrobe circa 2002. Instead of a tie around his neck, he went and put it around his scrotum. It's quite creative if you ask me. His crotchal region is kind of like the sun. If you stare too long you will burn your retinas. Scary stuff folks.

-Lolski



Thursday, October 15, 2009

FACT: We're surfin' machines

Check out this lil gem of a video. I love it when videos put sweet factoids together in a neat little package. Computers are taking over the world. Correction: Bloggers are taking over the world. Google something...anything and you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find a blogger's article on that subject. We bloggers are not always accurate, don't always provide you with legitimate expertise and will most likely give you our humble or not so humble opinion on a topic at hand. But dangnabbit, we've got heart! And we keep you entertained...you can't put a price on entertainment folks. So throw away your shoddy newspapers and makeshift paper magazines and get Googling!

-Lolski



Ouch my eyes!

I saw this the other night on TV and was really grossed out. That dang Napa AutoPro knew what they were doing when they released this commercial. How does one wash ones brain and eyeballs? Eww, and the song makes it even worse. "We're gonna party...toniggghht...". No, we're not gonna party tonight, we're gonna get creeped out tonight. And the cop is like "Aww shucks you crazy kids!". I'd be like "Alright out of the car now. You are both being shipped to a home come dawn".

This commercial is like the commercial equivalent of Sixth Sense. M. Night Shymalan had to be in on the trick ending. Why can't he make any more good movies to save his life? I was on a date with some guy the night I saw Sixth Sense in the theatre. The dude I was with had the voice of a 14 year old girl. It was surprising too because he didn't look like a dude with a shrilly chick voice. He, in essence, Sixth Sensed me when he opened his mouth for the first time. I remember him sing-songing in my ear "I knew he was a ghost!". My only thought was "This dude's voice is higher then mine and he's a filthy liar". There's no WAY he knew Bruce Willis was a ghost. Wanna know how I know? He was too busy looking around and smiling at me throughout the movie and whispering nonsense in my ear. Needless to say we didn't date again.

-Lolski



Friday, October 9, 2009

Eww...just Eww

Those eating a tuna sammuch or some type of snack need to finish up before you watch this video. This girl is...how do you say? Gross. Why not just give 'er in public? Why not just go for the gold? But don't forget to give it a good sniff before you get to the cashier. You never know when you'll get an opportunity like this again.

She's no better then this little dude. But at least he has the excuse of being non-homosapien. Ugh...sick. So men...beware when you see a hot chick. You have NO idea what she was doing in the minutes before you held her hand. Big brother always watches...there's a camera on every corner. Why haven't people figured that out yet?

-Lolski



Cheeky Bird!

Even rare parrots need to get theirs. I love his style of courtship. I bet he gets all the rainforest ass! I'm a sucker for the wing-face-slap myself. What, with his Victorian Gentleman's face and all...what middle-aged male photographer could resist? I'm quite partial to the Victorian mutton chop handlebar mustache. If you happen to look like Colonel Mustard in the study with the candlestick, I'm putty in your arms.

I was born in the wrong century. I should have been born in the late 1800's in England...I could have been a stuffy aristocratic Dame that say's a whole lot of "Harrumphs!" and "I never!". I would have rolled my R's like nobody's business and would have stared judgmentally at passersby behind a giant, shiny monocle.

-Lolski



Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fail became a Win!!

I just love it when things work out magically. Because of entropy and the ever infamous Murphy's law most stuff doesn't work out and things mostly go from shit to complete and utter shit pretty fast. But thanks to random quantum fluctuations or QuanFluxes as I endearingly like to call them, total fails can become massive wins. The power of QuanFluxes can generally be harnessed by the Flux Capacitor FYI.

Just take a gander at this lucky SOB. He could have been the victim of yet another unoriginal skateboard fail. There's more skateboard fails out there then there are melancholy Emo kids strumming a sad tune in their rooms. But this...this is great. This proves that the highly unlikely still happens. Thanks miraculous skateboard kid!

-Lolski





Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Best Love Advice Ever!

If you've never seen Fred and Sharon, well then you must. They are a kooky Canadian couple that provide free love advice to all the celebrities in Hollywood. And they do so using the latest in animation technology to boot. I dare you to find better animation and graphics!

Jennifer Aniston needs to hire these guys so she can land herself a relationship that sticks. She bothers me for some reason and I just can't put my finger on why. Maybe it's her endless array of ridiculously good movies. And would it kill her to play a role that doesn't involve a woman desperate to find love? She's only feeding into the stereotypes. Always a leading lady and never a bride. Ouch. I'm probably just jealous because I would kill to be Brad's ex-wife. Maybe Brangelina would adopt me and let me live in their pool house? I've got big plans....big plans I tells ya.

-Lolski



Frisky Pastor

Somebody was hitting the sacramental wine a little too vigorously...

Swedish mourners seek damages over 'drunk' pastor

A Swedish family is seeking damages of nearly 30,000 euros (£27,500) after a Protestant pastor performed a funeral service in an apparently drunk state, the Church of Sweden said on Friday.The pastor also raised eyebrows for apparently flirtatious behaviour towards the dead man's family members. He kissed the hand of the deceased's daughter and gave an exaggerated hug to the 20-year-old granddaughter, the family said in a letter to the former state church.

"Everything seemed to go perfectly well until this pastor came in mumbling for 30 minutes," the family said in the letter, complaining that he had alcohol on his breath. "Nobody, among his servers or in the audience, understood what he was saying."

"The first thing we will now remember thinking about our loved one is the drunk pastor," they added.

Apart from the 300,000 kronor (£27,500) the family also asked for a refund of the funeral expenses.

The Church of Sweden, which ceased to be a state church in 2000, confirmed to AFP that it had received the complaint, saying the issue was being investigated.

Source

See, this would be funny in another situation. But a funeral can put the breaks on the humor of a drunk pastor pretty fast. Poor granddaughter that got the "exaggerated" hug. Ewww, many a lady have experienced this ambitious and overzealous hug from a pervy, elderly gentleman. It's not pleasant. You are left wondering "Did that just happen?". We need one of these for this very situation ladies. They'll think twice before they get frisky again!

She's a Maneater!

If Hall and Oats were still kicking it, this lady would be number one on their list for an avant garde, 80's style video. She will creep you out and make you feel weird about the few times you danced in front of the mirror and never got caught. The "Maneater" dance is eerily similar to Buffalo Bill's naked "tucked in" dance in The Silence of the Lambs. You know the one.

When I first saw these videos, I of course was horror-stricken...but then I thought "Hey, you know what. She's having fun". And then I quickly realized that these dress-up dancing moments are not made for public consumption. They are private moments between you and your hairbrush microphone. It takes a "special" person to actually upload these for the world to see. And by "special" I mean Coo Coo for Coco Puffs.

-Lolski





Monday, October 5, 2009

Here's some classics

Some dude put together a video of of 100 of the greatest Youtube classics...it's a pretty good compilation in my humble opinion set to some real snazzy tunes. How did we point and laugh at the misfortunes of others before Youtube? Oh right, we left our houses.

Here's some of my favorites that didn't make the cut:

Spelling Bee Champ

Parrot singing Opera

Little Superstar

How to poop

Inochi

Snuggie parody

Dramatic cupcake dog

Best John Mayer fan

Kittens inspired by Kittens

Worst Rap Battle Ever


-Lolski



Spidergoat

Spidergoat, Spidergoat...friendly rural cliff Spidergoat! Check out this crazy-ass goat climbing up sheer vertical cliffs with ease and pizazz! I can't even shimmy up a footstool without feeling all wobbly and unsafe. A goat-human hybrid would be pretty cool...kind of like this guy. Humans really got unlucky in the defying gravity department. We can't fly or stick to walls without the aid of some serious technology.

But guess where we really lucked out? Yep, you guessed it...our personal greeting rituals. Imagine having to smell your bosses butt and no no zones every morning? In order to recognize whether a person is a friend or foe you would have to march into their washroom and stick your head in their toilet. Now don't you feel lucky? I sure do.

-Lolski



Thursday, October 1, 2009

Poor Gaga

Poor Lady Gaga...she got electrocuted at a recent show. Okay, maybe just electrocuted virtually via Youtube. I love Youtube user edits. They're my favorite. I love the way their minds work. It takes some time to put together a good edit and I just want to let all of you guys know that I appreciate your hard work. You can take a hammy performance by Gaga and turn it into a grand masterpiece. Here are a couple of my other favorite edits: Full House, Star Trek. And this edit showcases the best parts of this amazingly awesome, Oscar-worthy movie.

-Lolski



Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The fates have spoken

This might be a giant clue that you need to give up your singing career. Think of the parameters that had to be just right for this parachute to meet face. The altitude, latitude and longitude of the plane, the strategic or not so strategic landing, the angle and height of the cliff face and the wind direction. This is a direct message from the laws of physics to kindly be quiet. Simon Cowell has nothing on physics.

-Lolski



Stranger Danger!

Okay...umm....I don't remember seeing this one as a kid. But if I did, I would never speak to an adult again. Even now, as an adult myself, I would be a recluse. Oh no, then I would be the creepy stranger! This video has the potential to create a vicious, creepy adult cycle.

Where did they get these people? They are all incredibly creepy, even the women. These actors are good...almost too good. Did the director walk down a dark alley one night and hire anyone he met along the way? I see a whole lot of life imitating art going on.

Check out the "video director" stranger. Children need to avoid any man that has that hairstyle. That's not opinion, that's science. It's also best that children avoid women with bowl cuts that talk with their eyes closed. Also, don't fall into the "hero trap" kids...although professional photographers that look like "Woogie" from Something about Mary may appear heroic, it's just a ruse. I also didn't know that pizza delivery guys were considered "authority" to kids. I hope the child actor that was paired with the creepy dog killer is okay and not on too much Xanax as an adult.

- Lolski



Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Boostalk' s gonna Rawk You

This is the direct result of Youtube. Youtube creates dreams. Youtube shatters dreams. Unfortunately in this example, it's the latter. Internet commenters have an uncanny ability to take a person down a notch. Either that or increase self-deception. Boostalk can either take their "This is ghey" or "Worst song ever" and think to himself "Maybe this is my last attempt at rapping?" or he can say "Whateva, these hatas don't understand how good I am". Just like those people that cry into the camera after a failed audition on American Idol. "Simon's an asshole! I'll show him. They'll be sorry when I'm rich and famous!". First thing's first Boostalk, you might not want to put "Boo" in your stage name. Just a thought. Boos do talk...they talk loud and clear.

There's a major thing missing in all of these folks: self-insight. How about a realistic inventory of one's strengths and talents? This is where friends and family come in. Unfortunately, when it comes to the Arts...most people don't want to tell someone they suck ass. Well Youtube picks up where friends and family fail. It's a tough and cruel reality check. The Internet is the ultimate lie detector.

-Lolski



Moron gets Pwned

In what situation or era has it ever been okay to run up behind a horse and clap loudly? Has this ever been advised? No. Has this ever been encouraged? No. It's like I always say, you can't lead a horse to water when he's too busy owning an idiot behind him. It's bad enough that the horse has to deal with those confusing trumpets in the background. If I was stuck in that maddening, horn instrument festival I'd cartwheel through the crowd, kicking wildly. I might even throw in a log roll or two. All in the name of a quick escape.

-Lolski



Monday, September 28, 2009

Grandpa saves the day!

This guy is seriously the best. He doesn't let his arthritis and blood pressure stop him from being a super hero! How brave is he? He totally owns this punk criminal. All us young spring chickens can learn a thing or two from him. He's my hero:)

-Lolski



What do I gotta do?

Do I gotta get water from the moon? Nasa recently announced that astronauts have confirmed the discovery of water on the moon. Pretty cool news if you ask me. There is one person, however, for whom this news does not bode well. Somewhere deep in the heart of a Las Vegas condo, Celine Dion is on her knees screaming "Noooooooo, I curse thee Nasa!". With this recent news, Celine's early 90's hit Water from the Moon is now defunct. Sorry Celine, next time you might wanna change it to Dark Matter from Andromeda.

So, essentially, before this discovery, water on the moon was the equivalent of When Pigs Fly. So, I can therefore look forward to the day when pigs can be found perched on trees and fire escapes. No more bacon for anyone. :(

- Lolski



Obama is a wax statue

I came across this video detailing the day of pictures Obama took at the UN meeting last week. I've come to the conclusion that they had a wax statue stand-in for him for pictures. The real Obama was miles away screaming "Suck it, foreign leaders!". I wish I had a wax statue of him in my apartment. We'd have a jolly good time. I would bring him everywhere....meetings, school, Wal-Mart. Though we'd have to avoid certain places like saunas and hot tubs. People and Okay magazine would do a story about us. The headline would be "Obama seen Canoodling in Canada". Pretty soon Michelle would knock on my door and tell me to quit it. I'd have to grudgingly relent after taking one look at her mighty biceps.

-Lolski



Saturday, September 26, 2009

All the Single Babies

Okay, this song's still not going away...But I'm kind of thankful that it's still pretty big amongst the baby/child population. This is pretty dang funny, even if I do want to punch Beyonce in the face for forcing her crotch moves on my poor, poor eyes yet again. Why are unitards all of a sudden overpopulating the universe? You know what, you can blame damn GaGa for that one. Everywhere I go, vagina grabbin' cameltoes. I'd like to see normal girls wearing unitard onesies out on a Friday night and see how well that works out. Stares and snickers would be had no matter what your size.

Remember the one-peice women's bathing suits in the 80's and early 90's where the legs went up so high creating an illusion of a super long crotch and torso and really long legs? Those were the best. Everyone looked like an 80's rocker video babe in those. I say we bring them back. Let's bring back the high waisted mom jeans too. They weren't mom jeans in the 80's let me tell ya! Everyone has a gunt in those. Ya I said it...gunt.

- Lolski





Friday, September 25, 2009

A Handbaaag??!!!

Where has this been all of my life? I sat replaying this for 15 minutes. The last syllable turns into a song and changes octaves. This is the equivalence of a "Well I never!". The only thing missing is a monacle.

Either this is the best thing on the Internets or my standards have been falling to dangerously low levels of late. Once is not good enough...it must be replayed a minimum of 10 times. Legend has it that this is from a line in a movie based on Oscar Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest. Whatever it is...it has struck a very powerful chord in me and will never lose it's allure no matter how many times I play it.

A HANDBAAG???!!!!

-Lolski




It's the Earthquake Buttshake folks!

This is pure genius. Think...the creepiness of PitBull matched with annoyance of Lil'John. Any man that can wear cut-off jean shorts for the sake of rofls is A-Okay in my books. There's a certain part of the song that will have you LOLing without your consent. You'll know what I'm talking about...there isn't a stitch of enunciation in those lines. I dare you to try and guess what he's saying...

Also duly noted: Lightening bolt design mutton chops and a club scene that's really set in someones living room. The makeshift strobelight by flicking on and off the light and the thermostat on the wall gives it away.

Great job fellas...you might not be number 1 on the charts, but you are number 1 in my heart.

- Lolski



Thursday, September 24, 2009

Major disaster waiting to happen

Wild animals and defenseless humans mix like...well...oil and water, egg salad sandwiches and cafeteria popularity in grade nine, men and capris (some might argue these two go hand and hand but I say "fie on thee" to my detractors), mullets and scissors...and...you get the gist.

There's something especially sad about a bear playing a trumpet. I don't know what it is. Not that I'm not thoroughly entertained by it. Shouldn't they be eating berries and killin' salmon? Not doing somersaults for gawking idiots. This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where "Gentle Ben" the bear Talk Show host starts tearing up the crowd in the studio and the guy goes up to Ben and says "No, Ben. No." Baahahah that line kills me every time.

It's only a matter of time before this bear tears through a crowd. People will ask "Geesh, you know, I don't know what came over him?". How about, umm, he's a wild animal and should be, oh I don't know...not in a crowded stadium. But their funny hats are so dang cute so we might see more performin' bears yet.

-Lolski



Even leaders get crotchety

Imagine a cranky old guy. Now imagine being forced to listen to his cranky fussing inside the General Assembly at the UN. I don't know much about Libya, much less about their leader Moammar Gadhafi. One thing I do know is a curmudgeon when I see one.

Gadhafi recently gave a rambling speech to the UN. At one point he complained about the jet lag from having to travel so far to the meeting and apparently had jotted his hour and a half speech on crumpled pieces of paper. By the end of the speech half the audience had walked out. I wonder if other world leaders rolled their eyes when his back was turned. I bet they passed notes to each other saying "Bored, too long! Wanna bounce in 5?"

Don't get me wrong, I have a fondness for old, grumpy men. I'm seriously looking forward to being an angry, old bird. I'll tell all the children on my block to mind their manners. They better stay outta mah tomaters!

-Lolski

I'm supposed to throw this right?

Aah lil kids are funny. They choose the most inopportune times to follow direction. Put them in some type of grocery store or bank line-up situation and they'll do the exact opposite. Check out this dad and his sweet-ass catch. Ouch. She was just doing what she saw...balls are for throwing, not holding quietly.

- Lolski



Friday, September 18, 2009

If you're not first, you're last

So buddy bails directly on the finish line. He asks an ever important question "Did I win?". Yes you won. You won top prize in the poindexter awards. Many have been vying for the prize all year. You sir are the one that took it down.

I'm as clumsy as they get. For some reason I was reasonably good at sports in high school. I remember a friends's dad came to one of my volleyball games because his daughter was also on the team. He made a remark to the effect of "Wow, I wouldn't have expected you to be so good at sports". To this day, I'm still not sure how to take that. Okay, compliment it is! I probably went for a smoke right after the game and followed it up with some underage drinking. Being a contradiction is fun!

-Lolski

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Brattiest Kid in the World

If you think you've seen kids with behavioural problems, this kid takes the cake. He goes downright ballistic on his mom in some office building. Wait for the end, it will bring true rofls. Somebody needs a time out...or a Ritalin.

- Lolski



Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Gimme maah pizza!

Yeah, so Jim Breuer is a douche. I thought he'd be cool because he was on SNL and was the funny stoned hippy in Half Baked. But noooo, he's an actual douche bag. Here he is doing a commercial for Pizza Hut and he flips out on a prop guy because he wants to take a bite out of the pizza. Prop guy doesn't want that to happen and hijincks ensue. I guess prop guy is kind of douchey too. It's an all round douchey situation.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Douchebag wants to FIGHT

Everyone loves to poke fun at douchebags. We've all seen them. Heck you may even be one. This muscle toting macho man is bringing "Nick" the fight of his life via webcam. Beautiful added touches to note:

-Shirtless guy in the background with shades on

-50 cent snippet playing during the video to create ambiance and context

-Patron mothafucka!

If you have never seen this classic douchebag parody then you must



If you are unsure of what a douchebag is or whether you could classify yourself as one, here are some fine specimens:





-Lolski

I'm baaack!

So...I've been on a brief hiatus because of school crap....but I'm back...sorta. After this weekend the rofls will be doled out swiftly,efficiently and with as much vigour as before. In the meantime, I'll have a few LOLs coming your way....

To get warmed up, here is my favorite picture in the world. Why can't I be a part of this beautiful gaggle of Buseys?

-Lolski

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Yikes...is all I can say

Okay this one is a bit disturbing, a bit funny, and a bit horror invoking. I found myself laughing, then feeling bad, then laughing, then feeling sorry for the poor camel, then for the poor lady, then finally laughing again. It's an all round awful situation. The camel sounds extremely upset. In fact, he sounds terrified.

Oh Internet, will you ever stop making me horrified and entertained at the same time? I think not. You wouldn't be the Internet if you did. You'll keep on exposing society's embarrassments for a millenia to come. By then you will be the Interbrain. We will no longer need computers, we will just upload to our brains. Technology is fun!

-Lolski

British Animals

Adding a British accent to anything makes it seem both sophisticated and funny. I wish I had a British accent inner monologue. My thoughts would be so entertaining. I don't know if I'd prefer a man British voice or a lady. They are equally appealing I guess. As long as it said "quite" and "dodgy" a lot, I'd be happy. The only British voice I find annoying is dang Keira Knightley. Wait maybe it's not her voice and just her face. If she pouts one more time in a movie and gives that dumb, looking off in the distance, trying to be sultry look one more time, I'm gonna lose my shit. No joke, Keira. Enough. You make every movie you are in unenjoyable to watch simply because of this pout. Don't get me started on those Pirates of the Carribean movies.

Here is a series of videos from a British TV series "Walk on the Wild Side". I was rofling so hard I think I might have peed a little during the Allan/Steve one. I bet my cat would sound a lot like Emma Watson, the one that plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, if she were British.

- Lolski







Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Parenting/ Coaching 101

Aah yes. The classic little-league coach fight. If this isn't a fun-filled jamboree of family entertainment, then I don't know what is. Wonder how this one started? Uh huh...here goes:

Coach 1: That was a foul and you know it!

Coach 2: Foul? Foul? What...like foul like your wife's face.

Coach 1: Jim, I told you to stop that shit.

Coach 2: What, you gonna do about it...we all know you can't swing worth shit?!

Coach 1: All right, that does it!

And then fight ensues. Mix testosterone with vicariously living dreams through your kids and you have a whole mess o' trouble. What would have made this video even better is if the wives stepped in and a catfight erupted on the sidelines.

- Lolski

Thanks ladies...way to ruin their chances

Another fail video is in order. These guys over at FailBlog sure know to keep human failure fun and upbeat. These two ladies obliterated these dog's chances of getting adopted. What if these doggies had a Daddy Warbucks coming their way? Now they'll never find parents. They'll be singing "Tomorrow...Tomorrow" forever in some dingy little shelter cage. I bet they'll be too sad to do a choreographed dance. Thanks a lot ladies, couldn't fake it even a little on camera?

- Lolski

Monday, August 31, 2009

Unsexy Werewolf

Want to see a crazy woman dance in a unitard? I sure do. I saw Shakira's new video for "She Wolf" the other day and yeah...interesting. I actually quietly chuckled the whole way through. Shakira's a hot chick and usually has killer moves that make boys get funny feelings in their special places. I have a feeling this video will confuse the boys. Much in the same way Lady Gaga confuses them. Is Gaga sexy, is she not? One can't know that for certain.

One thing I do know for certain is Shakira has become a mutant. Her tendons and connective tissue appear to have changed since "Hips Don't Lie". They can now stretch and move in ways only Mr. Fantastic can. She also appears to have utilized the same choreographer as Beyonce. Ladies: Spastic does not equal sexy. Stick with the tried and true booty shake.




Sony won't let me embed the video so click here if you want to see ShakiWolf. Maybe this video will help resurrect the wolf sweatshirt? One can only hope...



- Lolski

Technology is spooky

So I was in a cab going to my parents place from the airport and I got into a real neato conversation with the cab driver. She was awesome and we chatted it up for a while. We got to talking about quantum theory, which then lead to theories of consciousness. Yes, strange conversation in a cab but if you are going to talk about quantum theory, it better be in a cab. She told me about a new technology in Japan that has allowed researchers to actually project images from the brain onto a computer screen using an fMRI machine.

I told her I would Google it, and Google it I did! Holy shit show, she was right! It came out in December of last year. If you missed it here's the story. The applications of this technology are cool. You could potentially record dreams. I'm not so sure I'd want to record all of my dreams. Especially the one's where I'm in a public place and I'm all of a sudden naked or not wearing pants. I wonder what those mean? Or that one I had about Richard Gere that one time. Umm, nevermind about that one. Eww Richard Gere. Can you say Richard Gere without thinking of a hamster? I can't.

Patience is a Virtue

This dude is the Grand Viscount of patience. He's a paragon of stoic fortitude. He pretty much owns. Despite all the tomfoolery around him, he keeps going with his segment. I would, in his place, stick my arms straight out, clench my fists, and spin. Windmilling my way through the drunks. I bet his previous job was being one of the Queen's guards in England with the funny hats. He's also probably real good at Jenga and putting model ships inside of bottles.

- Lolski

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Best Costume Ever

This is the best Halloween costume in the world. This has to be the work of a fan boy for a convention for sure. Those fan boys sure know how to take costumes to new heights of geekdom. I wish one of them would design me a Silk Spectre costume.

















Shit...I better do some serious crunches before I attempt a costume like that. Not only that, I'd be in for a series of costume malfunctions and camel toes so I'd need to be extra vigilant about my nether regions all night. Enjoy the awesomeness of a real live Bumblebee...he even transforms!

- Lolski

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Geez...it's not the skateboard's fault

So everyone loves a good Fail video. For old people that aren't aware, a "fail" is what the cool kids say nowadays when someone does something stupid or they just utterly fail at what they were intending to do. An "epic fail" is a really bad fail. Pretty soon "epic fail" is going to trickle up to the grown-ups and it will no longer be cool at all to say. It's probably already outgrown it's shelf life at this writing. Sorry grown-ups, it's true. Just like what happened to MySpace. You guys ran all the kids off that site.

I myself am a grown-up and am slowly realizing that I'm no longer that cool anymore. I've just hit 30 and am on the cusp of losing all coolness. That's okay though, I'm looking forward to embarrassing teens in the coming decades.

So here's a fail...it's a good one. Not "epic" because I'm not allowed to say that at my age.

- Lolski

Mystery of the Bees Solved

Scientists have recently found some clues to explain the disappearance of honey bees in the U.S. We didn't need fancy sciencing to tell us why they left. We've had the answer in our midst all along. Here is the true cause of their mass disappearance:



If you don't know who these dingbats are, consider yourself lucky. The bees finally decided enough is enough. Heidi Montag's recent "performance" on Miss Universe sealed the deal. Her dance moves created ultrasonic vibrations, signalling the bees to haul ass while there was still time. If they were smart they'd take up residency in Fiji or somewhere extremely remote where they will never be subjected to them again.

- Lolski

Alcoholic Monkeys!

These poor little monkeys have taken a liking to the sauce. Who can blame them really? I love a good cocktail.

They're quick little buggers too! Let them try to take my cocktail away and they'll see they've met their match. I keep one eyeball on my booze at all times. I'm not gonna lie...these little guys remind me of people I know. I'm not naming any names hehe.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Appendix that Cried Wolf...

So according to a recent news story, this poor dude got his appendix removed twice in the same month:

Mark Wattson, from Swindon, Wilts, had two appendectomies in a month after doctors failed to remove the appendix at the first attempt.

He claims that he lost his job because his employers did not believe that he needed to have the operation twice.

Mr Wattson, 35, had his first appendectomy on Tuesday, July 7, after being told that his appendix was the cause of abdominal pain he had suffered for several months.

He said that doctors informed him that the procedure had gone well. He was discharged the next day.

Yet a month later, Mr Wattson was taken to hospital after collapsing in Swindon town centre.

He was told by doctors at Great Western Hospital – where his original operation had taken place – that his appendix had burst and that he needed an emergency appendectomy.

He was readmitted for surgery and released following the second – successful – operation on August 9.

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing," Mr Wattson said. "I told these people I had my appendix out just four weeks earlier but there it was on the screen for all to see.

"I thought: 'What the hell did they slice me open for in the first place'?"


Source

What did they remove the first time you ask Mark? Excellent question. Somewhere a doctor is smacking his head and saying "Oooh...you said appendix. Right. See, I thought you said spleen. Spleen rhymes with mean and the patient was being mean to me before surgery. Oh dang...my memory trick didn't work at all. Shit, I always mess up on Fridays. Boy is my face red."

- Lolski

Whoa...who needs a studio when you have pens?

Okay, this video illustrates why Soulja Boy should never have gotten a record contract. WTF? This kid is amazing. And then you have ding dongs like Soulja Boy and Jim Jones with zero talent pushing out singles like no tommorrow. Okay let's do the comparison:

Soulja Boy                                           Kid in Video

- is annoying                                   - is not annoying

- has producers for all his              - Uses bare hands for his beat
shitty one-tone beats, they
still suck

- Groans incessantly in songs               - Uses intelligent lyrics in song

- Wants to "supasoak hoes"                 - Wants to "let the beat ride"


And there you have it. Ugh...someone give this kid some airtime. Speaking of someone with raw talent...check out my friend!

- Lolski

Must... not... laugh...

Okay, little kids hurting themselves isn't funny. But my conscience is clear because he gets up and is no more worse for the wear. Do you think toddlers trip so much because of their head to body-size ratio? I've always wondered that. I once read about a study that compared babies of many different species. They were investigating "cuteness" of baby animals and humans and common features of baby creatures. A large head in comparison to the body was one of the indicators of cuteness. They concluded that we are programmed to want to care for things with these features.

I say phooey on that theory. This example will blow those scientists and their theory out the water:



Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show is too dang adorable! I wanna pinch his lil cheeks!

- Lolski

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Turtle Sex 2.0

These turtles put us to shame! They know how to have fun and they're not afraid to show it. Male turtles are especially vocal. The chicks seems to keep it cool. If you didn't catch the other turtle video here it is.

- Lolski

Now that's a sweet ass!

I came across these strange little creatures the other day. And you thought your ass was big?! These honeypot ants will give you a run for your money. They store giant vats of sweet nectar in their bums for their friends and family. Don't you wish you could have that talent?

If you're out with your friends and someone grumbles about their empty stomach, you could just turn around, bend over and offer them a plentiful bounty of snacks and refreshments. I'd want a whole bum full of cherry Kool-Aid. I'd be such a hit at sporting events and beaches.

- Lolski




Saturday, August 22, 2009

Killing Two Birds with One Bike

Oh the ROFLS....The ROFLS are a flowing. Moms and dirt bikes are an oddly wonderful combination. Then factor in Grandma and a wheelchair and you have the makings of an embarrassing yet magical event. Couldn't this have been avoided if they took this experiment to an open field or dirt road? Naaaw...it's much better to take risky first-timers to a heavily populated area. Preferably near walkways and the elderly.

- Lolski

A link you'll probably use...

...if you're a stalker. Hee hee I joke. I mean I'm serious. I mean, I dunno. I guess it could come in kind of handy to stalkers. Or you could send anonymous emails to that annoying teacher or boss you can't stand. The possibilities are endless, really.

It also could be used to avoid using your real email address when you sign up for crap in which you will undoubtedly be sent spam. This avoids all that. What I speak of is guerillamail.org. It gives you temporary disposable email addresses that last for about 30 minutes or more. Just long enough to get your results on some stupid online quiz you felt coerced into completing. And who has the last laugh huh? Spammers? Certainly not.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Clowns!... Clowns!.... Clowns!

Okay, be prepared to be creeped out. Think...dash of the IT clown mixed with a fresh dollup of Carrot Top. Sometimes I feel like the Internetz need to take a vacation for a few weeks. Like, it's time to put the breaks on this whole web 2.0 movement for a wee minute. Were these weirdos lurking about in the 1700's? Aaah... riiiight...they sure were. Case in point.

Okay, so it's not that creepy weirdies weren't around, they just didn't have a forum. Thanks Internet for giving us all a niche.

- Lolski

Puppy Vs. Velociraptor

Who will win? So this is part two in the saga of my parents neurotic dog. Here is Dude (Yes his name is Dude)in an epic battle against the forces of evil. Well maybe not evil. More like a $50 remote controlled velociraptor from Target. Legend has it that salads are also malevolent entities and must be stopped.

- Lolski

It's time for the Lacerator

Oh how I love these. The drunken viral video. Watch drunk gal meet glass table. Whoa Nelly, that had to smart slightly! Her buddy that filmed this couldn't resist the urge to upload it. Yikes...some friend.

Ladies...this is a tried, tested and true rule for us all. Don't dance on tables. It never ends well. It's rarely sexy when you are drunk. And last, but certainly not least, if you must dance on a table...wear pants.

- Lolski

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fast and the Furious: Toddler Drift

You saw the toddler that caught a giant fish with her bare hands. Here's another amazing kid with insane skills. Vin Diesel's head is probably spinning like a giant, bald top. Paul Walker's ego is insanely bruised. Why? Because this kid has been asked to be his stunt double. I love the little adjustments he makes at the end. He clearly didn't understand his own awesomeness until the end of the video.

- Lolski

Go on ladies...drink up!

So according to recent British health reports, ladies that get down with the booze have stronger bones then those that refrain from all moonshine. Well this is a license for alcoholism as far as I'm concerned. All I needed was the go ahead from any health establishment and I would take leave to drink myself into a stupor on the daily.

Yeah, yeah they said "light to moderate drinking" in the article. But if my degree in Anecdotal Layman's Medicine taught me anything, it is much better to take what you like from health reports and ignore the stuff you don't like. For example, some studies in the past have said that drinking red wine decreases your risk for heart disease. So what do I take from that? Red wine = Decreases risk for heart disease. Medicine can also decrease one's risk of heart disease. Therefore Red Wine = Medicine. Having more medicine is usually better then having less...which then means that having lots of red wine is better then having only a little. And there you have it. Perfect anecdotal layman's medicine at its finest. Sheesh...what do we need doctors for anyways?


WARNING: Anecdotal Layman's Medicine has been known to be slightly wrong at times... meh, just take what you like from this warning and discard the rest.

- Lolski