Hello ladies, gents, unicorns, dryads, and all humanoid lifeforms of the Internets. Roflopagos Island is a place of whimsy and folly. It is a humor blog documenting the ridiculous, funny and odd things of our glorious Internets. Why rummage the Internet when I can do it for you?

What can you expect while you are here? It will be random, it will be unique, and if anything it might give you a hot, swift burst of humor to enhance your everyday life. Enjoy…

Monday, August 31, 2009

Unsexy Werewolf

Want to see a crazy woman dance in a unitard? I sure do. I saw Shakira's new video for "She Wolf" the other day and yeah...interesting. I actually quietly chuckled the whole way through. Shakira's a hot chick and usually has killer moves that make boys get funny feelings in their special places. I have a feeling this video will confuse the boys. Much in the same way Lady Gaga confuses them. Is Gaga sexy, is she not? One can't know that for certain.

One thing I do know for certain is Shakira has become a mutant. Her tendons and connective tissue appear to have changed since "Hips Don't Lie". They can now stretch and move in ways only Mr. Fantastic can. She also appears to have utilized the same choreographer as Beyonce. Ladies: Spastic does not equal sexy. Stick with the tried and true booty shake.

Sony won't let me embed the video so click here if you want to see ShakiWolf. Maybe this video will help resurrect the wolf sweatshirt? One can only hope...

- Lolski

Technology is spooky

So I was in a cab going to my parents place from the airport and I got into a real neato conversation with the cab driver. She was awesome and we chatted it up for a while. We got to talking about quantum theory, which then lead to theories of consciousness. Yes, strange conversation in a cab but if you are going to talk about quantum theory, it better be in a cab. She told me about a new technology in Japan that has allowed researchers to actually project images from the brain onto a computer screen using an fMRI machine.

I told her I would Google it, and Google it I did! Holy shit show, she was right! It came out in December of last year. If you missed it here's the story. The applications of this technology are cool. You could potentially record dreams. I'm not so sure I'd want to record all of my dreams. Especially the one's where I'm in a public place and I'm all of a sudden naked or not wearing pants. I wonder what those mean? Or that one I had about Richard Gere that one time. Umm, nevermind about that one. Eww Richard Gere. Can you say Richard Gere without thinking of a hamster? I can't.

Patience is a Virtue

This dude is the Grand Viscount of patience. He's a paragon of stoic fortitude. He pretty much owns. Despite all the tomfoolery around him, he keeps going with his segment. I would, in his place, stick my arms straight out, clench my fists, and spin. Windmilling my way through the drunks. I bet his previous job was being one of the Queen's guards in England with the funny hats. He's also probably real good at Jenga and putting model ships inside of bottles.

- Lolski

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Best Costume Ever

This is the best Halloween costume in the world. This has to be the work of a fan boy for a convention for sure. Those fan boys sure know how to take costumes to new heights of geekdom. I wish one of them would design me a Silk Spectre costume.

Shit...I better do some serious crunches before I attempt a costume like that. Not only that, I'd be in for a series of costume malfunctions and camel toes so I'd need to be extra vigilant about my nether regions all night. Enjoy the awesomeness of a real live Bumblebee...he even transforms!

- Lolski

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Geez...it's not the skateboard's fault

So everyone loves a good Fail video. For old people that aren't aware, a "fail" is what the cool kids say nowadays when someone does something stupid or they just utterly fail at what they were intending to do. An "epic fail" is a really bad fail. Pretty soon "epic fail" is going to trickle up to the grown-ups and it will no longer be cool at all to say. It's probably already outgrown it's shelf life at this writing. Sorry grown-ups, it's true. Just like what happened to MySpace. You guys ran all the kids off that site.

I myself am a grown-up and am slowly realizing that I'm no longer that cool anymore. I've just hit 30 and am on the cusp of losing all coolness. That's okay though, I'm looking forward to embarrassing teens in the coming decades.

So here's a fail...it's a good one. Not "epic" because I'm not allowed to say that at my age.

- Lolski

Mystery of the Bees Solved

Scientists have recently found some clues to explain the disappearance of honey bees in the U.S. We didn't need fancy sciencing to tell us why they left. We've had the answer in our midst all along. Here is the true cause of their mass disappearance:

If you don't know who these dingbats are, consider yourself lucky. The bees finally decided enough is enough. Heidi Montag's recent "performance" on Miss Universe sealed the deal. Her dance moves created ultrasonic vibrations, signalling the bees to haul ass while there was still time. If they were smart they'd take up residency in Fiji or somewhere extremely remote where they will never be subjected to them again.

- Lolski

Alcoholic Monkeys!

These poor little monkeys have taken a liking to the sauce. Who can blame them really? I love a good cocktail.

They're quick little buggers too! Let them try to take my cocktail away and they'll see they've met their match. I keep one eyeball on my booze at all times. I'm not gonna lie...these little guys remind me of people I know. I'm not naming any names hehe.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Appendix that Cried Wolf...

So according to a recent news story, this poor dude got his appendix removed twice in the same month:

Mark Wattson, from Swindon, Wilts, had two appendectomies in a month after doctors failed to remove the appendix at the first attempt.

He claims that he lost his job because his employers did not believe that he needed to have the operation twice.

Mr Wattson, 35, had his first appendectomy on Tuesday, July 7, after being told that his appendix was the cause of abdominal pain he had suffered for several months.

He said that doctors informed him that the procedure had gone well. He was discharged the next day.

Yet a month later, Mr Wattson was taken to hospital after collapsing in Swindon town centre.

He was told by doctors at Great Western Hospital – where his original operation had taken place – that his appendix had burst and that he needed an emergency appendectomy.

He was readmitted for surgery and released following the second – successful – operation on August 9.

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing," Mr Wattson said. "I told these people I had my appendix out just four weeks earlier but there it was on the screen for all to see.

"I thought: 'What the hell did they slice me open for in the first place'?"


What did they remove the first time you ask Mark? Excellent question. Somewhere a doctor is smacking his head and saying "Oooh...you said appendix. Right. See, I thought you said spleen. Spleen rhymes with mean and the patient was being mean to me before surgery. Oh dang...my memory trick didn't work at all. Shit, I always mess up on Fridays. Boy is my face red."

- Lolski

Whoa...who needs a studio when you have pens?

Okay, this video illustrates why Soulja Boy should never have gotten a record contract. WTF? This kid is amazing. And then you have ding dongs like Soulja Boy and Jim Jones with zero talent pushing out singles like no tommorrow. Okay let's do the comparison:

Soulja Boy                                           Kid in Video

- is annoying                                   - is not annoying

- has producers for all his              - Uses bare hands for his beat
shitty one-tone beats, they
still suck

- Groans incessantly in songs               - Uses intelligent lyrics in song

- Wants to "supasoak hoes"                 - Wants to "let the beat ride"

And there you have it. Ugh...someone give this kid some airtime. Speaking of someone with raw talent...check out my friend!

- Lolski

Must... not... laugh...

Okay, little kids hurting themselves isn't funny. But my conscience is clear because he gets up and is no more worse for the wear. Do you think toddlers trip so much because of their head to body-size ratio? I've always wondered that. I once read about a study that compared babies of many different species. They were investigating "cuteness" of baby animals and humans and common features of baby creatures. A large head in comparison to the body was one of the indicators of cuteness. They concluded that we are programmed to want to care for things with these features.

I say phooey on that theory. This example will blow those scientists and their theory out the water:

Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show is too dang adorable! I wanna pinch his lil cheeks!

- Lolski

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Turtle Sex 2.0

These turtles put us to shame! They know how to have fun and they're not afraid to show it. Male turtles are especially vocal. The chicks seems to keep it cool. If you didn't catch the other turtle video here it is.

- Lolski

Now that's a sweet ass!

I came across these strange little creatures the other day. And you thought your ass was big?! These honeypot ants will give you a run for your money. They store giant vats of sweet nectar in their bums for their friends and family. Don't you wish you could have that talent?

If you're out with your friends and someone grumbles about their empty stomach, you could just turn around, bend over and offer them a plentiful bounty of snacks and refreshments. I'd want a whole bum full of cherry Kool-Aid. I'd be such a hit at sporting events and beaches.

- Lolski

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Killing Two Birds with One Bike

Oh the ROFLS....The ROFLS are a flowing. Moms and dirt bikes are an oddly wonderful combination. Then factor in Grandma and a wheelchair and you have the makings of an embarrassing yet magical event. Couldn't this have been avoided if they took this experiment to an open field or dirt road? Naaaw...it's much better to take risky first-timers to a heavily populated area. Preferably near walkways and the elderly.

- Lolski

A link you'll probably use...

...if you're a stalker. Hee hee I joke. I mean I'm serious. I mean, I dunno. I guess it could come in kind of handy to stalkers. Or you could send anonymous emails to that annoying teacher or boss you can't stand. The possibilities are endless, really.

It also could be used to avoid using your real email address when you sign up for crap in which you will undoubtedly be sent spam. This avoids all that. What I speak of is guerillamail.org. It gives you temporary disposable email addresses that last for about 30 minutes or more. Just long enough to get your results on some stupid online quiz you felt coerced into completing. And who has the last laugh huh? Spammers? Certainly not.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Clowns!... Clowns!.... Clowns!

Okay, be prepared to be creeped out. Think...dash of the IT clown mixed with a fresh dollup of Carrot Top. Sometimes I feel like the Internetz need to take a vacation for a few weeks. Like, it's time to put the breaks on this whole web 2.0 movement for a wee minute. Were these weirdos lurking about in the 1700's? Aaah... riiiight...they sure were. Case in point.

Okay, so it's not that creepy weirdies weren't around, they just didn't have a forum. Thanks Internet for giving us all a niche.

- Lolski

Puppy Vs. Velociraptor

Who will win? So this is part two in the saga of my parents neurotic dog. Here is Dude (Yes his name is Dude)in an epic battle against the forces of evil. Well maybe not evil. More like a $50 remote controlled velociraptor from Target. Legend has it that salads are also malevolent entities and must be stopped.

- Lolski

It's time for the Lacerator

Oh how I love these. The drunken viral video. Watch drunk gal meet glass table. Whoa Nelly, that had to smart slightly! Her buddy that filmed this couldn't resist the urge to upload it. Yikes...some friend.

Ladies...this is a tried, tested and true rule for us all. Don't dance on tables. It never ends well. It's rarely sexy when you are drunk. And last, but certainly not least, if you must dance on a table...wear pants.

- Lolski

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fast and the Furious: Toddler Drift

You saw the toddler that caught a giant fish with her bare hands. Here's another amazing kid with insane skills. Vin Diesel's head is probably spinning like a giant, bald top. Paul Walker's ego is insanely bruised. Why? Because this kid has been asked to be his stunt double. I love the little adjustments he makes at the end. He clearly didn't understand his own awesomeness until the end of the video.

- Lolski

Go on ladies...drink up!

So according to recent British health reports, ladies that get down with the booze have stronger bones then those that refrain from all moonshine. Well this is a license for alcoholism as far as I'm concerned. All I needed was the go ahead from any health establishment and I would take leave to drink myself into a stupor on the daily.

Yeah, yeah they said "light to moderate drinking" in the article. But if my degree in Anecdotal Layman's Medicine taught me anything, it is much better to take what you like from health reports and ignore the stuff you don't like. For example, some studies in the past have said that drinking red wine decreases your risk for heart disease. So what do I take from that? Red wine = Decreases risk for heart disease. Medicine can also decrease one's risk of heart disease. Therefore Red Wine = Medicine. Having more medicine is usually better then having less...which then means that having lots of red wine is better then having only a little. And there you have it. Perfect anecdotal layman's medicine at its finest. Sheesh...what do we need doctors for anyways?

WARNING: Anecdotal Layman's Medicine has been known to be slightly wrong at times... meh, just take what you like from this warning and discard the rest.

- Lolski

Monday, August 17, 2009

Okay... ummm... disturbing

What in tarnation were this kid's parent's thinking??? Since when do you give a 7 year old a pistol. Go ahead and paint me purple, but those bullets appear real. This is no potato gun folks. He seems to know how to load that thing like second nature, which implies alot of practice, which then implies WTF MOM and DAD? Did you get him started at 3? There's so many things wrong with this. You know what...I don't even need to go on a rant here. Common sense should be universal on this one. But alas, 'tis not. Two things can happen here...he grows up to be a law-abiding citizen and develops this childhood hobby for the good of all and becomes some type of peace officer. Or....ummm....yeah...you know the rest.

For the love of curly fries...guns and kids don't mix!

- Lolski

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Most important video you'll ever see...

So those familiar with astrophysics and the like are familiar with the Hubble telescope. I like, no...love, the Hubble telescope. It's big and shiny and takes purty pictures for my computer desktop...oh and it also delves into the most important questions of humankind. So you may know that it once took pictures for days of one pinprick segment of the cosmos and it was called the Deep Field. This pic blew everyone's brain stem, including mine. Every dot of light in the pic is a whole galaxy. When I think about how big space is I get a really weird feeling in my lower spine/tailbone area. Same feeling I get when I'm up real high. Great Scott I'm afraid of heights...anyways that's besides the point.

Well this video talks about another Deep Field shot by Hubble and it's in 3D. Check it out. It will make you feel so small you'll never feel fat in that bikini again! The Hubble diet plan...I need to patent this idea...

- Lolski

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Melancholy Kitty

Awww poor kitty! Bath time is sad time. I almost rofled my pants when I saw this. The music and lighting paired with the silent meows of a very morose but clean kitty cat makes this haunting docu-drama a must see (I sure gave Roeper a run for his money with that review!). This makes for a very Oscar-worthy viral cat video. Don't worry, despite the many shades of melancholic gloom, there is a happy and dry ending for this pitiful puss...

Crazy Dog with a Weird Phobia

So this is my parents neurotic dog. He has many odd phobias and is afraid of seemingly innocuous objects. This video depicts one of his many irrational fears...

- Lolski

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Cucumber Capers

This recent news item is a real whodunnit. I'm going to assume they have small backyards or live in apartments.

Adelaide cops baffled by cucumber thefts - August 12, 2009

A spate of cucumber thefts has Adelaide police in a pickle.

More than $10,000 worth of cucumbers have been stolen in 11 separate robberies in the past three months.

Thieves have targeted market gardens north of Adelaide, with police saying the latest robbery - of 50 bags of cucumbers - was reported from a glasshouse at Virginia at the weekend.

"The issue with the cucumber is how do you and I tell who owns a different cucumber?," SA Police Chief Inspector Kym Zander told ABC Radio on Wednesday.

"We're having difficulty establishing where they (the cucumbers) are going."


It's the perfect crime...virtually traceless. If the thieves were really smart, they'd get into the upper echelons of vegetable marauding. We're talkin' avocados, organic cauliflower and grunions. Grunions are the rarest type of onions in the world. They are a hybrid of the yellow Spanish onion and the Argentinian Granadilla. They are sought after for their pungent flavors and aromatic skins. Okay all of that about the grunion was made up. I just like saying that word...grunion. In truth, not jest, the most expensive vegetable is said to be the asparagus because we only use the stems. That's one to grow on ;)

- Lolski

Best song and video in the World

This song will be sure to move quickly up the charts. I suspect it will win a Grammy in the near future. I could listen to it on repeat for hours. Little known fact: all songwriter's have cat shadow-writers. Virtually all music today is actually originally created by domesticated animals. All of Soulja Boy's music is composed by his shorthair tabby named "Supasoaka".

- Lolski

5 year old Chuck Norris

This kid is incredible. Never mind Bear Grylls, that dude that stares into the camera and eats bugs. This kid can survive a month alone in the desert. This kid can stop a bullet with her bare hands. She is a reincarnation of Chuck Norris...wait he's not dead, nor will he ever die. He probably just provided his mutant DNA to her mother in hopes of passing on his legacy of awesome...

- Lolski

Monday, August 10, 2009

That'll learn ya!

Man I wish profs would do this more often. Too many students would whine about it and cry foul. Many a time I have been pestered by a smart-alecky class clown and I had a mind to inform the teacher of said shenanigans...yeah right...who am I kidding? I was responsible for many teacher migraines in my day.

We had a poor history teacher in grade nine high school that left his job shortly after this one horrible class I was privy too and I have to admit I joined in on the insanity. That day he brought gum to class in an effort to bribe us into obedience. All he received for his efforts was a gummy ass from all the gum placed on his chair while he stood up handing out the gum. Legend has it he had a nervous breakdown. He never returned to our school. Teens are so dang mean. Mr. H. if you are out there...sorry:(

- Lolski

Now that's teamwork...

These ants are pretty slick. They create a lifeboat out of their own bodies to save their queen. Think of the human equivalent. All of London, England creating a human raft to carry a 1000 lb. Queen Elizabeth and all of the Royal Family across the Atlantic Ocean. I'd feel bad for the jerks in the middle.

- Lolski

Okay...who's the genius?

This is a giant batch of disaster. I just know how this played out 15 minutes prior to lighting the candles. Aunt Sue and Cousin Gary were snickering in the kitchen:

"Tee Hee hee...know what would be real funny Sue? If we embarrassed him with a whole mess o' silly string while he tries to blow out his candles. It will be High-larious!"

"Ooh boy Gary...will his face be red by golly!"

3 second degree burns for birthday boy and 10 counselling sessions later for little Johnny...

- Lolski

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Lolski's leaving on a jet plane

Well folks...I have to leave Roflopagos Island for a week or so but I'll be back with some sick lolz for ya. In the meantime, Shocka's gonna hold it down. Sooo...err...don't do anything I wouldn't do, keep your chin up and other hot cliches. And eat your fava beans. That's all I can give ya on such short notice. Until then, please enjoy this series of photos:

This series wouldn't be complete without a couple of LOLcats and the true king of cats: Keyboard Cat.

- Lolski